Why Men Don’t Get Help For Sex

I was again faced with a typical scenario this past week in my work as a sex coach. I received an inquiry from a man who said he wanted help. I hesitated because I don’t really work with men and they tend to waste my time. I have a number of structures in place to assure me that someone is a good fit for me as a client way before I get on the phone with them. He went through those steps and as much as I was skeptical, and as often as men have wasted my time in the past, I went ahead and set up a get acquainted call with him.

I’m skeptical because in my experience few men will commit to working on their sexuality earnestly. In the past, all of the men who have contacted me on their own have either been creepy or ultimately flaked out. The creepy ones want some kindof sex work I do not offer. I am a coach and an educator. That’s what I do. But somehow because we put sex in my title, there is an assumption that some form of sex/phone sex will be for sale. I’ve had men come for a few coaching sessions and then disappear. The flaky ones are more hopeful because I understand some of the reasons they tend to disappear, but I get annoyed when my time is wasted. I’m clear about who I am here to serve: women and couples, in part because in my experience, men are not up for the work.

I believe that many of the men who do realize they need help and then reach out to me are fearful that they don’t know enough about sex and hate to believe they need help from a woman—a queer one at that. It’s way too much for their egos to handle. They’ve been socialized their whole lives to believe they should KNOW what to do sexually (like that just magically happens without any education), to be a total stud doing it, and to want sex and be ready for it all the time.

So maybe they realize that some part of this cultural fantasy isn’t working for them and they decide to reach out to me for coaching. But when I take them seriously, and it comes time to get to work, they run, because it’s far too confronting. They can’t handle that level of vulnerability.

So I don’t know what happened with the guy last week. His concerns seemed legit enough. He called to check in the day before our appointment and then totally skipped out on it with no correspondence at all. I also find that an interesting pattern. When women cancel an appointment, they usually let me know.

I’m not saying I won’t work with men, yet. I know there are special men out there who want to do the work on themselves to have a more satisfying sex life and to heal their wounds. Whether they’ll find me and commit to working on it is another story. The best male clients are usually the ones who come with their partners to work together. Maybe somehow, that is safer for them.

Mostly, I just find it sad that for so many men, their own socialization and deep-seated wounds or misconceptions about sex allow them to disrespect me and prevent them from getting the help they need. I  don’t take it personally. But what I do know is that if they are disrespecting me, they’ll most likely disrespect their partners.

Everyone has work to do on their sexuality at some point in their lives. I mean EVERYONE. The majority of people, certainly the majority of men, will never do it. They will stay trapped with their egos demanding an impossible performance of them.

I wrote a book for men. Sometimes books are safer. Feel free to check out Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men if you want to just dip a toe in the water. For the ones who have actually walked through the door, I have been honored. They are indeed special and unfortunately, very unusual.

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Amy Jo Goddard is a Sexual Empowerment Coach who thrives on helping people have the delicious sex and relationships they desire. With 20 years of experience in the sexuality field, she works virtually with private clients, and holds sumptuous VIP Days in the beautiful Napa Valley. She facilitates a 9-month unique Women’s Sexual Empowerment Program where women have opportunities to deeply explore, heal and celebrate their sexuality and desire. Amy Jo travels as a speaker, and teaches classes that help people connect to their sexuality, make more money, and enjoy greater abundance and pleasure in their lives. She is working on a forthcoming book about sexual empowerment and writes about practical, real-world sexuality at AmyJoGoddard.com. You can subscribe to her weekly ezine to receive her sexual empowerment articles and videos, and for information on upcoming classes & trainings. -


  1. Troy says:

    I’m sorry to hear that your experience with a lot of male clients has been so stale! that sucks and is discouraging to hear. One thing I really appreciate is how you word the trapped-ness of a great many men in America, stuck in wounds and lies and probably projecting pain and illusion on to others like some sort a machismo virus. When I am stronger I would like to challenge and help men, to firstly stop harming, projecting pain; and secondly, to become more whole, and stop acting out these beliefs that are the basis of harmful behavior and that hurt them as well.

    I am glad of the exciting, good work you are doing, Amy – it’s often rather far outside my comfort zone (but appropriate and good and plus you are so cool).

    Thanks and keep going!



  2. Leonore says:

    It seems to me that there are very culturally acceptable ways for men to communicate about sex and sexuality. It’s usually accepted or expected that women talk about sex with their female friends (c.f. Carrie Bradshaw); heterosexual men who talk frankly about their sexual proclivities with male friends are seen as… too vulnerable? too gay?

    As you say, most men have been socialized their whole lives to believe they should know what to do sexually… without ever having to learn or talk about it outside the bedroom. Talking about sex with someone who ISN’T your partner (or even a potential partner) then, must be terrifying — and Amy Jo, your being a professional sex coach and a queer woman probably puts it even farther out of their comfort zones.

  3. Nina says:

    I am so happy you addressed this subject. This is of course a general statement……but yes, men assume they are great at sex by default of being born a man, and don’t seek to improve. And in my experience the converse is true of women, assuming they are not good at sex because we are not supposed to be. We will share this on our company FB in the hopes that some of our audience reads it and growns to understand that sex is something to practice and learn about just as you would a sport or hobby. And what a great HOBBY! Thanks again, Nina (www.sheaftercare.com)

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