I want to share the five major myths about sexuality with you, and in the spirit of looking at the connections between sex and money, I think you’ll be surprised at the ways these myths overlap.
1. “Sex is natural”
Sex is not natural. We have sexual instincts, but sex is learned and it is deeply cultural and social. We learn how to have sex: to identify what pleases us, what pleases our partners, what’s OK, what’s “dirty/shameful”, what we are “allowed” to ask for and what we aren’t. We fantasize and exercise the erotic potential of the imagination. That all goes far beyond what’s “natural” or “instinctive”, but this myth—along with the lack of sexual education and sexual role models in our culture—divorces us from the reality of sex as a skillset that you need to learn and practice.
2. “You should just know how to have sex/deal with money”
I’ve talked to some people who were raised in religious communities that preached abstinence before marriage and that also provided NO education about the reality of sex – the wedding night was just supposed to be a perfect, magical experience of first-time lovemaking because a) sex is natural and you should just know how and b) if you truly love each other, the sex will be great. Talk about high expectations!
Sex requires certain skills and learning how to be a sexual being is a life-long process. That actually makes it exciting; sex is dynamic and ever changing. As you change as a sexual person, it changes who you have relationships with, how you show up in them, how you do business, and how you invest in yourself and make your money. As you become empowered sexually, you are able to become empowered in other parts of your life because it changes your core energy in a powerful way.
We all need mentors and skills about both sex and money—neither comes naturally.Very few people receive good education about money, finances, budgets, and investments, and yet most people enter adulthood and are just expected to know how to handle this essential part of their life.
3. “You shouldn’t need help with this, because it’s private.”
No one grows up in this culture without being shamed about sexuality in some way. And I think most of us experience shame around money at some point in our lives as well. We have a very shame-driven culture when it comes to sexuality as well as money.
Lately I’ve been watching Breaking Bad, and I’m amazed at the lengths the main character goes to in order to not talk about money or ask for it after he gets cancer. His ego keeps him from accepting help to pay for his medical bills – he has so much pride, he’d rather make meth to pay for treatment than accept someone else’s help. And of course, the lying and deceit ends up being hugely destructive to his personal relationships.
I believe that it’s liberating to speak the unspeakable. Talk about the things you were taught should never be discussed and you’ll find they are much less scary than you were led to believe! Keeping sex and money private and taboo keeps people in shame; it’s when we talk about it and bring it out of hiding that we can heal that shame and move beyond it.
4. “You only need professionals to work on sex/money if you are traumatized or in deep shame/pain about sexuality.”
Everyone actually needs help with their sexual and relationship lives at some point in their lifetime. Most people don’t realize that when it comes to working on their sexuality, they can actually get help that is not based in a therapy model. Many of my clients come to me when they are single and in a place of major growth because they know that working on this part of themselves will take their lives to a whole other level—and it does. And of course, if there is trauma, we work to heal that so they can come into a place of empowerment rather than victimization. If you are walking around feeling victimized sexually, you are going to feel victimized around money, and around having more pleasure and joy and probably around your business. These core parts of our lives do not live in isolation.
Similarly, there is a cultural myth about money that “you only need professionals if you have zero money (and need government assistance) or if you have a whole lot of it (and need investors and managers)”. Again, this is total BS that most of us buy into. We all need people to help us understand money, learn how to make it, invest it, save it and spend it…so that we can live the lives we want to live. But how many of us actually get that kind of money education? If you’ve never hired someone to help you with sex or money, consider what that could do for your life.
5. “It’s is a luxury item, an extra. It’s not essential for well-being.”
I know that sexuality is a core part of who we are and that our entire life transforms when we transform our sexuality and our relationship to it.I’ve been through this myself and I’ve witnessed and midwived thousands of people in this process.Sexuality is NOT a luxury. It is a core part of your life that allows you to live in pleasure and joy, to experience yourself at your deepest, most intimate places, to step out of your smallness and into the ecstasy of your greatness and to expand all you do and all that you are in your life.
Money is not dissimilar. But I often hear people say things like:
“I don’t really need money.”
“Making money isn’t that important to me—I just want to help people.”
“I don’t need luxury items… I don’t need luxury… I can get by.”
Anyone who thinks money is just a luxury is kidding themselves. We all need money unless you grow all your food on land that you own outright and live totally off the grid without any bills for water, electricity, a car, gas, etc. Very few people in the world have that experience and the ones who do aren’t reading sexual empowerment articles on the Internet. We all need money—every single day. Giving yourself permission to want, need and actually DESIRE money is often difficult for people who were raised with the cultural ethic of “work hard; money is evil.” Deciding to VALUE your sexuality can be a similarly empowering decision.