Multiple times a week I hear people say they want their sexuality to be a priority, they want to put more energy into it, or they want to stop putting their sex life on the back burner. My response is usually that if they really want their sexual life to change, they have to get it on the front burner—it won’t do it on its own. Nothing in your life changes or improves without some investment on your part. Nothing.
They say they want things like this:
I really want a better sex life.
I really want to heal sexually.
I want to feel good in my body.
I want to have more intimacy and more presence in sex.
I want to be happier, more free and joyful around sexuality.
I want to experience more pleasure.
I am a cheerleader for all of this, and I see how the resistance around changing so they can have a more connected sexuality is so big—because it can feel risky or scary for people. It can shake things up. It brings up all sorts of things about self-worth. And it can make you wonder if it’s possible for you. So the excuses flow like water from a faucet. I can’t get on a plane. I have to take care of my family. I don’t have the money. I need a discount. I have something else to do. I’m not sure I can allow myself to do that.
You can make every excuse in the book, when really, it’s that you don’t value your sexuality enough to take a stand for it.
Do you want to turn around when you are 50, 60, 70, 80 years old or on your death bed and say, “Too bad I couldn’t get on that plane or spend a little money to have the sexual fulfillment I really wanted…Too bad I didn’t believe I deserved it or could ever have it and kept making excuses…Now here I am, all these years later in the same place, wishing I’d actually made it a priority when I had the opportunity”?
I watch people make commitments to all sorts of other things and yet refuse to make the same or even a fraction of that commitment to their sexuality.
Here are some examples:
- Will spend $1,400 a year on a cell phone but won’t spend even half of that to work on their sexual healing.
- Will spend $20,000-70,000 on graduate school, but won’t spend a small fraction of that on a transformative sexuality program that would improve everything in their life.
- Will spend $24,000-50,000 on a car, but refuse to spend any amount on their sexuality.
- Will buy a plane ticket and hotel for a vacation but not for a sexuality retreat that would allow them to break through in their sexual life.
I could go on but you get the picture. Somewhere along the way most people learned that sex is free, and therefore, should never cost anything. Yet, your sexual dissatisfaction, sexual trauma, anger and frustration are costing you far more than we could quantify in dollars. How long will you make the excuse that you can’t afford it? If you find the way to afford things like those on this list, ask yourself when your sexuality will be important enough that you invest in it too.
Your attitude about money reflects your attitude about sex. Not being willing to invest in your sexual life keeps you from your full potential and in a state of lack. To have the best possible sexual life—just like having a great social life, healthy physical well-being, or a good education means investing in it and valuing it. And that means you are willing to do what it takes for it, whether that’s to travel, spend money, spend time or give energy to it. Anything worth having requires investment by you. There is always an exchange.
The next time you shortchange your sexuality because of one of those excuses, examine where else in your life you make the same excuses, and find a way to interrupt them. Ask yourself what it would take to break through the excuse and actually show up for your sexuality the way you show up for your education, your health, your car, your wardrobe, or entertainment.
Changing your sexual life requires that you no longer make those excuses, that you stop back burner-ing it and commit to breaking through. That’s when the real fun begins. Doesn’t something that important to your life and well-being deserve that? Isn’t it more valuable than that? If you won’t start to value it by putting your money/time/energy where your mouth is, stop complaining about the mediocre sex and the lack of fulfillment you feel. If you won’t decide it’s worth more, then well, it’s not.
Try this affirmation: I choose to value my sexuality and I express this value by doing what it takes to create the sexual life I truly want.
“The way you do anything, is the way you do everything.”
Feel deprived in your sexual life, you probably feel deprived everywhere else too.
Sexuality is valuable. It’s way more important than most people make it seem. I am going to continue to stand for the value of sexuality and I invite you to stand with me.Stand and be counted sexual warriors.
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