The other day I spoke to a woman on the phone who was interested in coaching with me. She was a perfect fit for my work and one of those classic mirrors; she had been through a divorce that had uncanny similarities to my own. I knew I could help her in a big way and she seemed really ready to do this work. Wonderful! I love to hear that kind of readiness and enthusiasm in a prospective client or student. I know that willingness is a critical component to doing the work that needs to be done.
Later in the call, when we spoke about my coaching packages and investment levels, I could hear her tone change dramatically. She went from open and excited to angry. I said, “What just happened? You sound angry.” At that point she went into how we were not a good fit and she just didn’t think I was right for her. She told me she’s sure I’m worth what I am charging but that she just would not be doing that. Her voice was tight and constricted. “What is it that’s making you angry about this?” I asked. She kept coming back to our not being a good fit. That seemed a safe place where she wouldn’t have to reveal too much. But I knew she felt vulnerable and didn’t like it. Discussion around money can make us feel so vulnerable.
She finally said, “I would spend that much money on my education or my car, but NOT on this.”
I reminded her that she had just been expressing how much she needed this work, how nothing could stop her, and how much she wanted to break through what was holding her back. I asked her if her car was really worth more than her sexuality.
There was silence. I could hear the tension. I waited. “Yes, and I’m angry that I feel that way.”
Now that was the most honest thing I had heard. She wanted her sexuality to be worth more than she herself was making it worth. I don’t believe we can put a dollar amount on our sexuality. And where and how we invest our money says a lot about what we value. If you want to know what someone values, look at their calendar and their checkbook or bank statement. That will give you a clear picture of someone’s values because how we spend and invest our money tells what we are willing to stand for.
We got off the phone, both clear we were not a fit — not right now at least. I kept thinking about what she said and I wondered if she would find another coach, or if I would ever hear from her again. I hoped that ultimately she would get something out of our call. So many things came to the surface there in that short conversation, that if worked through, will help her have the relationship and sexual life of her dreams. It was all right there.
What does it mean to charge what we are worth? What does it mean to invest in ourselves? Why do we get angry when other people have the courage to charge what they are worth?
When we put investments out there, we get them back. When we put money into flow, it flows back to us. When we hang onto it, we tighten and constrict, like she did on the phone, and we prevent ourselves from having the love, sexual expression, money and abundance we want to have. This is why I teach all of this in my work now. The wounds are all related.