People have many myths and misunderstandings about sexuality, and in my work one of the biggest myths I’ve heard over and over about sex is that it should just “be spontaneous” or that it “should just happen.” Somehow the idea that sex shouldn’t require effort has seeped into our psyches and that idea prevents us from taking the time or energy to make it hotter, better and more fulfilling.

Some of the best sex I have ever had was planned. Whether it meant just setting aside time with my lover to devote to it so we could be present and not feel like we were squeezing it in between other things, or whether it was an elaborate, creative date that required a few errands, a few emails to entice one another or some other form of organization, in either case, a plan was required. In fact, for a creative date, sex has begun when the scheming begins and for me, that’s half the fun!

I’m often surprised by how resistant my clients and students are to this idea. I’ve noticed people sometimes get a little sad or disappointed that this is what their sex life will require if they want it to be or stay juicy. The reality is that our lives are busy and we fill up our time with things easily, so if we don’t schedule time for sex, or put a little effort into maintaining sexual connection with a lover, it just won’t happen. We will easily find other things to fill our time with.

I don’t work out if I don’t schedule it. I am not as productive with my work if I don’t schedule my tasks and work time. I don’t go see shows or have dates with friends without some scheduling, so scheduling is not the issue. Most things require some scheduling in order for them to happen.

The issue is more of an internal want for sex to magically happen and the idea that spontaneity is the key ingredient that will make it hot. Spontaneity can make it hot. But how many times did you put on some sexy undergarment or pack a sexy toy when you had a date in hopes it would involve sex? Think about how you might have flirted over dinner or even with a new acquaintance at a bar or social event in hopes of it leading to something sexual. We instill or create our sexy plans in many ways. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s sexy. It’s you taking the reins with your sexuality, getting your sexual needs met and expressing what you want.

The problem for some people is that they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know what you want, how do you get it? It’s pretty hard. I’ll save that topic for another post.

As for making sex hot, what is a want you are aware you have right now? A fantasy, a wish, or a desire of some sort? Is it clear whom you want to do it with? If so, write them an email, a text, or even better, a little note you drop in the mail, and proposition them. Send them an invitation. Tell them what you’d like to do to or with them and invite them! Or if you want to keep it more mysterious, invite them for a sexy date with you and say no more about it, except to give them three things you want them to do, bring or wear in preparation for the date. Your invitation will get their creative juices flowing as well as your own. Sexy, hot fun has begun already!

And if you want to have some sexy hot fun with yourself, all of this applies to you too. Invite yourself to a sexy date, and get a new outfit for yourself. Give yourself a delicious bath, take yourself to buy a new sex toy, stay in and use what you got, watch that new porn you just got…anything goes. Enjoy dressing up and being hot for YOU. No matter what, it starts there anyway. And if you are sharing your hotness with a lover, everyone wins.