I have two women’s groups right now and in both of them I am struck by how much difficulty surrounds the topic of desire. I hear women talk about how hard it is to give to themselves, and how hard it can be to receive.
They happen all the time: in passive-aggressive comments about other people, in socially sanctioned phrases like “You just want to have your cake and eat it too,” and in judgments about how others spend their time, money or energy doing things that bring THEM joy but that are perceived as selfish or indulgent.
And they are especially charged when it comes to sex. Just as “That’s not normal” is the battle cry of the sexual oppressor, “That’s too much” and “You shouldn’t want that” are the rant of the sexually unhappy and undeserving. The desire police are out en force.
These little comments that aren’t invited or necessary create an environment that encourages us not to take up space, not to acknowledge our own desires and not to want what we damn well want. And if you’re holding back from the little things—like serving yourself orange juice in a wineglass just because it makes you happy—then ask yourself how that same thing holds you back from going for the things you REALLY want, especially in the vulnerable territory of sex and relationships.
Why do we put each other down about desire? When did desire become the thing that proves a person’s low worth?