I am about to release my second book, Woman On Fire: Nine Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence. This week I want to share with you one of the women’s stories from the book. Their stories are incredible! I think you’ll appreciate it, if not relate to her tender words and process.
Pilar was an accomplished woman from the Caribbean. When she came to work with me she told me what many women do: that she had done a lot of self-development work and felt powerful in her life and as a business woman in so many ways, yet she had not tackled her sexual power. It was time.
“When I started this work I had no sexual voice – I was unable to express my wants and needs in both physical and emotional contexts. Although I perceived myself, and was always perceived by the public, as an accomplished, fulfilled and confident woman, behind closed doors I was still shy, afraid and believed that I was undeserving and unworthy of recognition and acknowledgement. Accordingly in the bedroom, and by extension in relationships, part of me still reverted to the meek child from middle school who never asked for what she wanted, never expected to get it anyway, and was always willing to compromise and accept less than I deserved. I began to recognize my passive-aggressive tendencies and realize that I never seemed to get what I wanted, because I was afraid to ask for it. The resentment I would feel as a result of this immobilized me—throwing me back into a cycle of unworthiness, depression, anger and self blame/pity. Despite years of therapy, counseling, spiritual work, yoga, and meditation, I did not realize that at a core level of my being, this was my default mode in all of my relationships. Mind you, not that anyone else would have seen that–in romantic or sexual relationships I was always perceived as cold or unfeeling, when I actually was simply immobilized by fear.
“I realized through my work that this fear stemmed from an inability to claim my voice (sexual or otherwise) and speak my truth. I now identify my sexual/creative energy, and my ability to tap into that to identify my needs and then go after them, as the main source of my power. I learned to release my fear of rejection and to make empowering choices in my personal and sexual relationships, like walking away when I need to and always speaking my truth no mater how people respond.
“I literally found my voice ‘between the sheets’–to ask for what I wanted, talk dirty, play around and be completely open with my feelings and needs. This was very new territory for me–I was no prude by any means and I had experienced some very enjoyable and pleasurable sexual relations throughout my life–but this work lead me to a place where I was able to experience TRUE pleasure, bliss and ecstasy; for the first time I was revealing my true self with no shame, no judgment, no blame and no fear of rejection. I began to allow myself to be vulnerable–a place I had avoided all my life by shutting down and not revealing certain aspects of myself. I remember Amy Jo saying to me one day–and this was a huge revelation for me: ‘people around you love you, they want to help you – maybe you need to try letting them.’ And she gave me an assignment to ask three people for help in the upcoming week. That was the hardest and scariest assignment I ever got from her – because for me I did not know how to ask for what I needed.
“Learning the language to express myself sexually and ask for what I needed in the most intimate and vulnerable situations in my life gave me the tools and the courage to do that everywhere else as well. This has led me to deeper places of self discovery than I ever thought possible. It revealed to me parts of myself that I never even knew existed–I discovered fantasies that I never knew I had and I learned how to voice those fantasies. Exploring my sexual fantasies in turn encouraged me to dig deeper into exploring my life fantasies, which has ended up being transformational for me and completely shifted my career, home life, friendships and partnerships. I realized how truly essential our sexual energy is to who we are, to how we function and to the space we inhabit in this world. I knew then that by finding my sexual voice I had been able to shift into my truest and highest self.”
I would be honored if you would pre-order your copy of Woman On Fire today! Pre-orders help us to get the book on bookshelves! If you feel so moved, would you please order several for the women in your life? It’s a gift that will give them so much. Thank you for being a part of my tribe. I want us all to be Women On Fire.