Sexuality is about lushness, abundance, beauty, aliveness, fullness, expansion, desire, connection. It’s the opposite of lack and deprivation. It’s about fulfilling our desires and exploring new terrain. It’s about opening up. But opening up is scary for most people.
Let me say this as clearly as I can: Sexuality is NOT a luxury. It is an intrinsic part of who we are. It is what brings us orgasmic joy for living fully realized lives. It is the energy we use to make art, make community, make business, make love, and create intimacy. It is the way we connect to our environment and to others. It is the energy we use to bring our whole selves forth in the world.
I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that yes, SEX REQUIRES SKILL! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat. That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them! When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.
Who wants to talk about break-ups? Downer at a poly conference, right? Wrong, apparently. About 25 people showed up and we had a heartful talk about how to approach break-ups, including how to change our language around them, how to create rituals and how to use gratitude, blessing and community to our healing advantage.
I tend to assume more of people. I think many people are in unhappy relationships and don’t know why they are so unhappy, and maybe don’t know where to turn to do the work...I think if you are with anyone long enough you will need to go to couples therapy at some point to do the work of figuring out how two wounded people can deeply love and effectively support each other and break the patterns they have learned in their upbringing and past relationships.
When we hide from ourselves and in our relationships, we prevent ourselves from creating true intimacy. Intimacy requires being vulnerable, being imperfect
But still, it’s so easy to see now how I slowly allowed the comfort, routine and “safety” of relationship to dictate my actions or inactions. How easy it is to slip into a place over time where we don’t even realize we are compromising ourselves, when we stop questioning our relationship and our place in it because maybe we are tired, or maybe we don’t want the honest answers, or maybe it’s just really hard work and we aren’t up for it. Maybe we don’t even see it...Yet we would follow a path of joyful living where we could be so present with ourselves, our loved ones and our process if we made our daily spiritual practice this checking in and acting on our own behalf.
...we have many potential “soul mates”, play mates to traverse this gorgeous life with and they tend to come right when we need them, for whatever spell they are meant to be in our lives.