I just watched your ABC interview where you came out, at last, in support of equal rights for all Americans. I mean, it’s a little ironic isn’t it? You being our first African-American President and all. I’m guessing you’ve experienced an obscene amount of discrimination during your life and certainly within your presidency! You, of all people, must know how critical it is to have equal rights.

Mr. President, I heard your battle call back in 2008 and I was skeptical, although I did have some hope that you would do well by us. I can’t imagine how frigging hard your job must be. Seriously, all the people you are supposed to please and can’t possibly, no matter what you actually do. All the favors you “owe” people. All those folks in Washington telling you what to do. That must be a bit of a nightmare. Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would want that job, so thanks for doing it.

I gotta tell you, your assertion that civil unions were okay for the gay folk and your standing behind this inane idea that a marriage must be between a man and a woman—it surprised me a bit and it never really added up. I mean, you can’t stand for equality in one ring and when you leave it sing a totally different song.

So I guess you’ve seen the light. Maybe it was Malia and Sasha’s friend’s same-sex parents who got you to shift your attitude. Maybe it was just a thoughtful evolution of your ideas.

You are a smart man. There is no denying that. Smart enough to use this issue to position yourself where you need to be positioned. You’re in there and I know you’ve gotta play the game. Really, it’s about time you got in touch with your constituents. And with what’s right, and just. I know you know better. Some of your voters won’t be happy. That’s okay. Maybe they will now have an opportunity to look at their own attitudes about equality, justice and human rights and dignity. By your example, perhaps they will look at this issue with a bit more of the complexity—and simplicity—it demands.

Whatever your motivation, I want to thank you for doing what’s right.

Even if it took you awhile. We’ve had presidents, even recent ones, who NEVER chose to do what’s right, so the importance of that isn’t lost on me. What will you do next, with your change of attitude and evolution of position? What action will you take next? Is this the end of the line?

I know you are not particularly radical and that more radical issues won’t be on the table. What I’d like to see addressed seriously is the absolute need for education about sexual orientation and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (L/G/B/T) people in schools so that young people see an image of themselves and stop killing themselves. I want to see more funding allotted for shelters and safe houses for all of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (and assumed to be L/G/B/T youth) who are kicked out, abused, or otherwise harmed and disenfranchised who end up homeless in a world that can be very unkind to the homeless and very unkind to queer folks of any type. I work with L/G/B/T young people and I can tell you, they need services, support and funds to help them thrive.

President Obama, I do want to express gratitude for this important first step. No other president has been so courageous and bold as to discuss the issue of equal rights for L/G/B/T people and you have set a precedent that is paramount to human dignity and rights. However, there is more work to do and I hope you don’t stop there.

The bigger picture is how we try to limit people and terrorize them when it comes to their relationships and sexuality. I’m sick of people telling other people what kind of relationships or families to have. I’m tired of people being demonized and punished for their sexuality. Whether it’s Moms who are criticized for being sexual people, women who need abortions being put down for being sexual at all, or gay youth being tormented for being gay, our sexuality seems to be constantly up for public debate and demands are made on us for how we should express it. I’m tired of this and I’m on a mission to end it.

Every single one of us deserves to live a happy, fulfilling sexual life with healthy relationships and all of the information we possibly need at our fingertips to help us do it. Our laws need to support that and so do our budgets. This is paramount to every human being’s life. Are you on board for that?

Good luck in the election President Obama. Take some more risks. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much people are inspired by real courage.

Yours truly,

Amy Jo Goddard

Sexuality Educator and L/G/B/T Advocate

But that is where a lot of people stop and say something like “But I can’t really have that,” or “That will never happen,”and that’s the end of the line. Yet you actually get to have it, if it’s a true, honest desire. You can’t have that feeling of desire without the possibility of fulfilling it. There are all kinds of things that get in the way of your fulfilling your desires that happen in between those two steps. I recently spoke to a woman who said, “I’m really happy in my life. I’m being creative and doing what I want to be doing and I’m happy. My husband and I are not having sex and I’m just fine with that. He wants to have sex and I feel a bit bad for him because I have what I want.”

She’s happy and fulfilled because she is directing her sexual energy towards her creativity,and in my experience, creation is one of the things that makes people feel most alive, present and fulfilled–however they choose to be creative. That can be making a delicious meal, creating art, building a business or organization, creating community, making love or making babies. All of it is creative and draws from that same well of energy. It’s those things you get lost in, forgetting about time, making you feel so alive that bring the most fulfillment.

So in this woman’s case, if she wants to work on her relationship and is not opposed to sex, my next question might be, “Are you willing to make love with your husband knowing it’s meaningful to him?” The answer may not be “yes” and if it’s not then it’s not and they would have to work with having different places where they want to express and fulfill desire. If it is a “yes” then working with willingness among their differing desires is an amazing tool for helping both people to be fulfilled and not compromise their own boundaries and wants. It is sometimes really complex and it’s definitely not a one-size fits all. There are many ways to fulfill different desires in relationships, but the key is to know that if those desires are there, then the fulfillment is too.

I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot lately as it pertains to money and wealth and other kinds of fulfillment. This is a natural law so it applies to everything. If you have patterns in one area, you probably have them in others, so working on what mindset issues are getting in the way of your having your desires met will set you free to have the joyful, fulfilled, ecstatic, alive and in bloom life you so want. You CAN have it all. And you don’t need to hide and pretend to be deprived so those around you can feel okay.

I know when I was growing up I learned that going without is somehow noble. It’s not noble to be deprived and go without if it’s not in line with what you truly want. If you choose celibacy or simplicity in some way as a path, then that is your desire and that’s a beautiful choice. If it’s not, then to feel deprived is a drain on your life force and your relationships and you can choose to end that pattern of lack once and for all. It’s not a fun place and it’s not what is meant for you in this world.

You get to have your desires. They are not necessarily going to just drop into your lap though. You have to take action. You have to create!

Claim Your Desire Assignment:

1) What are five acts of creation that make you feel alive, present and fulfilled?

2) What are five desires you have in your life right now? What are the reasons you give yourself for not getting to have each of those desires?

3) How could you use the gifts of those acts of creation to fulfill them?

It’s not always immediately apparent, but allow me to break it down. Sex is about relationships, energy, desire, abundance, joy, pleasure, connection, divinity. Money is about relationships, energy, desire, abundance, joy, pleasure, connection, divinity.

Money comes from the divine/universe/spirit/God/energy/whatever-you-call-it and it comes through our relationships. It comes through people from the divine. It’s a tool to assist us to live the life we are meant to live. It’s a way we exchange energy with others…and of course, so is sex!

I’ve seen the effects of the money-sex connection for many years in my work. I remember coaching a male client who started to have a lot of trouble with money and right after that he called me because he started having trouble getting erections for the first time in his life. I sometimes hear from women when they are in survival mode and not making the money they need to make, how they stop wanting to be intimate, they lose their desire and sometimes, they shut down. Not having money can make us feel small.

Making money, being in abundance, and taking care of ourselves puffs us up in a good way. It makes us feel bigger. We get to stop worrying and start dreaming. When we are having great sex and connecting to our bodies and/or partner, that also puffs us up…the peacock feathers come out and we feel BIG.

You are meant to be big. You are not meant to be small. None of us are. Yet we make ourselves small for so many reasons. I work with clients on this all the time…all the ways they sabotage and diminish the fullness of who they are. I see women diminish themselves so they don’t intimidate men. There they go, leaving themselves again to take care of someone else.

Come home. You are not meant to be diminished. You are meant to live an abundant life, full with connection and all the love and money you need. Your creator did not put you here to never have enough.

When my life feels abundant and fulfilling, I feel expansive. Sexuality is by nature expansive. It’s meant to be. It is transformational and it creates energy. Money is energy. When we have money we can create experiences, businesses, dreams. It transforms us too. Sex, “God” and Money are three of the most transformative things in our lives.

Chances are that your orientation and relationship to your sexuality is very related to your relationship to money. Working on one allows you to work on the other. Ignoring one or feeling powerless in it can result in feeling powerless in the other.

Your assignment this week is to write down five core beliefs you have about money. That could be anything from “Money is the root of all evil,” to “Money brings me joy.” Then insert the word “sex” or “sexuality” where “money” is and see if you also carry those beliefs. You might be surprised what you find.

Really? I don’t think it’s nearly that cut and dry. Sometimes we do push people away with our self-hatred or self-love struggles. Yet, I think that sometimes when we are struggling to love ourselves as much as we wish we could, somebody comes into our lives and they love us so fiercely, so big and so wholly, that they teach us how to love ourselves. They become our model for our own self-love.  

My first true love was that person for me. Still, to this day I credit him for teaching me how to love. He showed me what was possible in love in a way I’d not yet experienced in my life. My BFF is the most loving person I’ve ever known and she just amazes me with the way she loves me. She has taught me so much of what friendship is about.

Sex is the same way. When we have good lovers, who are deeply giving, who listen to our bodies and respond to our requests and help us to figure out what requests we even want to make, it goes a long way in our becoming a good lover who can have great sex AND who truly loves oneself.

I can teach people a lot of things in my work. Nothing can replace a lover who really shows up and creates love and a sexual life that makes you feel seen and adored, heard and appreciated, happy and fulfilled. A friend who is with you in every moment-good, bad and ugly, loving you all the way. Who doesn’t want that?

We all do. Many of us have it. Some of us want it but aren’t sure it can happen. Others think it will never happen so they turn down the dream. And yes, ultimately, to really receive all of that and to not NEED it, you have to be able to give it to yourself. Then you can really show up in your relationships as that mentor, that exquisite lover that can co-create magic with another human being. I say turn up the dream.

Look at your life and who your sex and love mentors have been. They may have been a parent or teacher or other caretaker, good friends, and often, they were your partners, boyfriends, girlfriends and lovers. I can remember a one-night stand that involved a surprise spanking that opened up a whole world to me that I had no idea existed or that I’d even want to be a part of. Sometimes it happens like that…a short-lived experience that goes a long way in one’s sexual development.

“The Call”, Remedios Varo (1961)

 I dedicated my first book to all of my lovers, for each of them have taught me something really important about myself sexually and/or about love. I really meant that, as I thought of each one with grace as I wrote that book. My love for myself is as big as it is, in part, because of each of them. Learning to love oneself is a journey that has ups and downs and lots of lessons along the way. If we all waited until we achieved perfect self-love to let someone else love us, we’d be missing out on a whole lotta love in our lives.

Today take a moment to think of your sex and love mentors and send a prayer of gratitude to them for what they gave you. Those gifts are precious and they really do last forever, even if the relationship doesn’t. Your relationship with YOU is the only one that’s forever.

This is the most common question people ask me about my work.

When I decided I wanted to study sexuality, there was no internet, there were few places to study sexuality and I didn’t know anyone who had ever done it personally, besides my college instructors. I had the tricky task of figuring out where one goes to study sexuality and to prepare for a field that was amorphous to me at best. After some phone book and library research and many phone calls later, I spoke to a helpful and friendly man at SIECUS and started on my path to become a sexuality educator.

Over the years, eager young sexuality students and people starting in the field have written to me asking for support on their journeys. When students write me, I want to give them the moon. I used to write generous responses filled with resources to each person who contacted me, as I wanted to return th e mentoring I had generously received from people like Betty Dodson, Carol Queen, Ron Moglia, Konnie McCaffree, Elizabeth Schroeder, Suzanne Iasenza, Barbara Carrellas, Kate Bornstein, and many other incredible professionals.  Over time, the frequency of those messages and my own deepening professional work meant I could no longer personally connect with each seeker.

Ultimately, I realized there is a need for a place where sexuality professionals and budding sex pros can come together to learn, to support one another, to network and to have the critical conversations we don’t always get to have because we are going-going-going in our busy work lives. So many of us are really isolated in our work and need connection with our peers.

It is out of this story, that my brand new program, SPECTRA, was born. Today we launch this professional mentorship program for feminist Sex Positive Educators, Counselors, Coaches, Therapists, Researchers, Activists and Advocates in the sexuality field. I could not be more thrilled to see this dream come to fruition.

The conversations in SPECTRA will be decidedly feminist because that’s who I am and that’s who I will resonate with. SPECTRA is the program I never had and wished I did. It will help sexuality professionals connect with each other, develop their skills, and make more money doing exactly what they love so they can serve the world in a bigger way with their gifts.

I know that I have to do my own work in order to help others do theirs. I’ve got coaches, business mentors, an awesome therapist, amazing healers, body workers, and a primary care physician who I trust to do my healing and hard work with. I’ve got my team and I’ve built my business. One thing I know is that I cannot lead someone through a process I myself have not experienced.

I could not have developed this program 10 years ago. It would have been inauthentic and premature. Today I can stand in my own personal journey of sexual empowerment, my deep work as a sexual being, my wide-ranging career, my education, my self-transformation and my business development and say, “Yes, I’m ready to help others follow their vision because I have indeed followed mine.”

As someone who has seen and followed my work and knows who I am as a professional, I’m pleased to announce to you my new endeavor. I hope you’ll help me spread the word about SPECTRA, and if you are in the sexuality field, that you will consider joining me. Please stop by www.sexualityprofessionals.com and check out the SPECTRA community.

Yes. Yes! YES!

I’ve often heard people’s surprise at the idea of having sexual rights. I hope you’ll give some thought to the eleven rights that my colleagues at the World Association for Sexology drafted back in 1999 in order to bring into the light how important it is that we address sexuality as a fundamental part of who we are and of our total freedom, equality and certainly, our pursuit of happiness.

DECLARATION OF SEXUAL RIGHTS

Adopted by the World Association for Sexology, Hong Kong, 1999.

Sexuality is an integral part of the personality of every human being. Its full development depends upon the satisfaction of basic human needs such as the desire for contact, intimacy, emotional expression, pleasure, tenderness and love.

Sexuality is constructed through the interaction between the individual and social structures. Full development of sexuality is essential for individual, interpersonal, and societal well being.

Sexual rights are universal human rights based on the inherent freedom, dignity, and equality of all human beings. Since health is a fundamental human right, so must sexual health be a basic human right.

In order to assure that human beings and societies develop healthy sexuality, the following sexual rights must be recognized, promoted, respected, and defended by all societies through all means. Sexual health is the result of an environment that recognizes, respects and exercises these sexual rights.

1. The right to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom encompasses the possibility for individuals to express their full sexual potential. However, this excludes all forms of sexual coercion, exploitation and abuse at any time and situations in life.

2. The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity, and safety of the sexual body. This right involves the ability to make autonomous decisions about one’s sexual life within a context of one’s own personal and social ethics. It also encompasses control and enjoyment of our own bodies free from torture, mutilation and violence of any sort.

3. The right to sexual privacy. This involves the right for individual decisions and behaviors about intimacy as long as they do not intrude on the sexual rights of others.

4. The right to sexual equity. This refers to freedom from all forms of discrimination regardless of sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, race, social class, religion, or physical and emotional disability.

5. The right to sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure, including autoeroticism, is a source of physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual well being.

6. The right to emotional sexual expression. Sexual expression is more than erotic pleasure or sexual acts. Individuals have a right to express their sexuality through communication, touch, emotional expression and love.

7. The right to sexually associate freely. This means the possibility to marry or not, to divorce, and to establish other types of responsible sexual associations.

8. The right to make free and responsible reproductive choices. This encompasses the right to decide whether or not to have children, the number and spacing of children, and the right to full access to the means of fertility regulation.

9. The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry. This right implies that sexual information should be generated through the process of unencumbered and yet scientifically ethical inquiry, and disseminated in appropriate ways at all societal levels.

10. The right to comprehensive sexuality education. This is a lifelong process from birth throughout the life cycle and should involve all social institutions.

11. The right to sexual health care. Sexual health care should be available for prevention and treatment of all sexual concerns, problems and disorders.

Sexual Rights are Fundamental and Universal Human Rights

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Most of these rights are either currently being violated systemically in the U.S. or proposed amendments and bills will be in violation of them, should they pass.

 In case you missed it, Oklahoma State Senator Johnson proposed the “spilled semen amendment” to the Oklahoma state personhood bill, which grants rights to an embryo. In an interview she said that, “Anytime a man spills semen anywhere than in a woman’s vagina he would be deemed as violating this proposal.” Check out the full interview on NPR where lawmakers debate our sexual and reproductive rights.

This is a serious slippery slope. Pay attention!

Retrieved from: http://www.worldsexology.org/sites/default/files/Declaration%20of%20Sexual%20Rights.pdf on March 22nd, 2012

Gender parity in legislative bills that impact our sexual and reproductive health is finally on the rise. Two hats off to several legislators who are introducing bills that bring the ludicrosity of the recent attacks on women and the outrageous patronizing of women’s ability to make their own sexual and reproductive choices into the light.

Ohio state Senator Nina Turner (D-Cleveland) has introduced a bill that would require men to have mandatory psychological screenings before obtaining a Viagra prescription to treat erectile dysfunction. She is also calling for mandatory sex therapy for these men. My colleagues and I will be very busy in the coming years should this come to fruition. And why shouldn’t it? For far too long we have looked for the magic pill to make our sexuality better and it’s almost always a band aid on the real issues that plague people about their sex lives and sexual health.

In February, when the Virginia Senate was debating a bill that requires women seeking an abortion to get a transvaginal ultrasound, state Senator Janet Howell introduced an amendment to the bill that would have required men to get a rectal exam and cardiac stress tests before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication. Her amendment did not pass, but the bill did. To require women to have an unnecessary penetrative ultrasound that has nothing to do with an abortion procedure is not merely ridiculous—it’s an abhorrent, dehumanizing way that our government thinks they can stick it to us when they don’t like our personal choices.

Nine women lawmakers in the Missouri Legislature proposed a similar vasectomy bill, which states, “In determining whether a vasectomy is necessary, no regard shall be made to the desire of a man to father children, his economic situation, his age, the number of children he is currently responsible for, or any danger to his wife or partner in the event a child is conceived.”

Check out Senator Turner’s interview on MSNBC, where she eloquently and passionately states why she is looking out for men’s sexual and reproductive health, just as legislators are looking out for women’s best interests.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

You better believe I’ll be following this closely and I hope that every woman and man who believe in gender equity and basic human rights—which must include sexual rights—will be very vigilant about what these lawmakers are trying to do. You have the right to your sexuality, your sexual pleasure and your own sexual and reproductive choices. It’s time for people to stop being silent about that deep desire for freedom and to speak openly about the fact that our sexual and reproductive rights are essential to our basic humanity and our fulfillment as human beings.

            “I’m too wounded to have a good sexual life or relationship.”

            “It’s just not in the cards for me.”

            “Everyone else is fixable—but me.”

            “My perfect relationship just doesn’t exist.”

I hear these things all the time from people—women, especially. People often go to a place of disbelief about having what they really desire because on some level it’s safer to believe they just can’t have it. If they just accept that they can’t really have what they want, they don’t have to do anything different, challenge themselves anew and risk the possibility of it being true. So they just decide it’s inevitable.

It’s only true if you believe it to be.

You create your life, every minute of every day. 

This scarcity belief is a way to protect the self from further hurt and it keeps you small. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you probably come by this pattern in an honest way, probably from your family of origin. You learned not to ask for too much, or you took in some idea of your own unworthiness. You heard “no” a lot and it reinforced that you can’t have what you want. It was so ingrained that you began to truly believe it. If you can’t see out of that hole of victimization into a place of healing change, you will continue to believe it.

I know you can have what you want. I have experienced it. I have watched it happen for others over and over again, when they take steps towards identifying it, healing this wound, and going for it. You can do this too. If you decide you want to have another experience and begin to take steps in that direction, you will have it.

People who have feelings like this usually feel really stuck, frustrated and on a deep level, unloved. They don’t possibly believe someone could love them that much, they could have an experience that good, an orgasm that big, a dream like that come true.

It’s a false belief. And if you have it, it’s one to begin healing immediately, because you are not living and you are cutting yourself off from all of the pleasure, joy, love and amazing life experiences you are meant to have. You get to have all of it:

• Sexy, loving, supportive relationships
• The career you dream of
• Work you are passionate about AND that makes you money
• Big satisfying orgasms
• A fulfilling sexual life
• A lot of love in your life
• Caring friends
• Fun experiences
• Realized dreams

You are not special. You are not the only one who is unfixable. None of us are “unfixable” if we want to heal. Healing requires work. It requires taking action, the support of people who love you and will work to help you, willingness to do what it takes, and commitment to your own happiness. When you put those things in place, there is absolutely no way things won’t shift. They have to.

So if you are feeling stuck in some place of lack, some place of “I could never have that,” begin to take a look at who taught you this. Where did that belief come from? If people in your life have it, then you can have it too.

One of my mentors likes to say that if the idea for what you want is there, than the answer or solution is already there. That thing you have a desire for is already there waiting to be claimed. One can’t exist without the other. All you must do is claim it. End your disbelief.

If you have believed in this lack for a long time, it will take some time to unravel it. And you can do it. Will you decide to claim the pleasure, joy, love, relationships, and gorgeous experiences that are your birthright? You are not meant to be miserable and deprived. You are meant to be free and creative. What life are you creating for you in this moment?

Responsibilities: The intern will support SPECTRA as it launches, handling outreach to interested persons & organizations and publicizing the program. The intern will help launch and maintain SPECTRA’s website, posting articles and recordings and keeping content relevant. Interested applicants must have 5-10 hours a week to dedicate to this internship, which can be done remotely. Presence in the New York metro area is a plus, but is not required. This is an unpaid position.
* Ideally, the intern would be available to attend Momentum Conference in Washington, D.C. (March 30-April 1) and take part in the SPECTRA outreach team’s efforts there.

Requirements:
1. Bachelor’s degree (upperclassmen applicants working on their degree will be considered with the right experience);
2. Familiarity with Microsoft Office, HTML, WordPress, and e-mail marketing software;
3. Interest in the sexuality field and familiarity with current events;
4. Superb verbal and written communication skills;
5. Excellent organization and ability to follow through on multiple tasks consistently.

Amy Jo Goddard, M.A., is the founder of SPECTRA. She has worked as a professional trainer of sexuality professionals, medical students, college students and youth for over fifteen years, and has taught courses relating to sexuality at the City University of New York and the University of California at Santa Barbara. She is co-author of Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men and is a contributing author of All About Sex: A Family Resource Guide on Sex and Sexuality. She maintains a private sexuality coaching practice in New York and facilitates her women’s program on sexual empowerment.

To apply: e-mail spectra@amyjogoddard.com with a resume and cover letter expressing why you are interested in this internship and the experience, skills and qualities you will bring to our team. Form letters will not be considered.