In New York, that bar is Henrietta Hudson. In Brooklyn, it’s Ginger’s Bar. I’ve been to similar spots in Seattle and Cleveland. Once, while visiting the Cleveland area, I drove with friends for the better part of an hour and a bit of searching to find The 5 Cent Decision, a.k.a. The Nickel, only to walk in and find the old mulleted bartender with one other patron chatting her up at the end of the bar. The only beer choice was PBR. It was a bit of a let down.

Paris, seemingly, is no different from those American cities.  Tonight I ventured into La Champmeslé, the purported “Grande Dame” of Parisian dyke bars. I’m guessing they are referring to the age and not the quality of the cognac. The only beer choice here is Heineken, which might as well be PBR, in my book.

It’s always a little sad for the queer traveler who wants to see a bit of queer life in other places, who seeks a way to connect and easily meet other women in a culture where the rules may be unclear or less permissive than in the one from which she came. Not that that’s true for Paris.

Thankfully, La Champmeslé has far more charm than Ginger’s, my local hangout back home. But it’s not without its quirks. The mirrored walls make it look bigger than it is. I noticed an American flag hanging among an array of rainbow flags and a few others, yet there was no French flag. Strange. Lots of stone gives it that old world style. The back room looks like a jail cell made with large wooden beams. I hope that jailbait look was unintentional. The standard acoustic guitar hangs on the wall, likely a homage to lesbian folk singers who, no doubt, have filled the place with their song. A lovely generous bunch of ripe roses sit at the end of the bar, a nice touch. As is typical for a weeknight, there were maybe five people in the place.

This perpetual lonely hearts lesbian bar vibe bums me out a little. The worst of it is the way these bars perpetuate the idea that lesbians have no taste, although La Champmeslé fairs better in this regard. Last year, I was on a date with a British woman in Brooklyn and she wanted to get drinks after dinner and asked if there was a local women’s bar we could visit. “Sure,” I said and took her to Ginger’s. We walked into the empty bar (to be fair, it was a Monday), circled and U-turned right back out. The Brit was not impressed. “Why do women’s bars have no taste?” she asked rhetorically. We went instead to a sweet spot near my house, also fairly empty, but with a cozy enjoyable environment and respectable music that made us feel at least a little sexy.

I’ll admit, as I got older and settled into a long-term relationship, I too, have been guilty of staying home with my lover, nesting, you know, the lesbian way, at the expense of my young always-in-the-know out-and-about always-up-for-a-good-girl-party-self. When out of town visitors would ask where the party was and I ceased to have an answer for them any day of the week, I realized I was having a priority shift that thankfully hasn’t turned into an identity crisis.

If enough of us accept the shift and tire of drinking in neighborhood bars, bored by disco standards and too much of the same old thing, there will no longer be use for our bars. Somehow knowing they’re there makes me feel a little better, but not enough to go patronize them and waste time. And indeed that’s why it’s hard for them to stay in business. I just want a little more.

I like beautiful places. I like when care is taken to make a space sexy. Lesbian bars should be as sexy as they come. Typically, they are not. But hey, I’m in Paris, a very sexy city, with enough time to explore every lesbian nook and cranny hangout and I’m going to go turn down Heinekens for wine in every one of them. And maybe, just maybe, one of them will have some nice lighting, beautiful women, and a cold pale ale awaiting my arrival.

When my conversations with people lead to “What do you do?” and I tell them I’m a sex and relationship coach and a sexuality educator, their wheels always turn, immediately looking for some framework in which to put my work. Inevitably, they cannot find one.

When I told him I teach sexuality, he began with questions that went from curious: “Wow, so what does that mean?” to over-eager comments: “I just LOVE sex. I think sex should be part of EVERY day!” to inappropriate: (as he put his hand on my knee) “So do people ever assume things about you because of what you do? You know, come on to you or things like that?”

“Like you are doing right now?” I asked. Then to oblivious: “Oh, does that bother you?” To sincere: “I’m sorry if I offended you.”

My career does sometimes confuse people, so I thought I’d start my 2012 blog by explaining it a bit and talking about what you get when you invest in your sexuality.

I assist people with one of the most important least talked about aspects of their lives. I work to help people change harmful relationship patterns and sexual practices so that they can have more pleasure, better sex, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, live more fulfilled lives. There are not many places where you can do this thoroughly, unless you have an incredible therapist who has a strong background in sexuality, and sadly, they are uncommon—even though sexuality is at the crux of so many of people’s problems, pain, and crises.

Given all this, it’s understandable more people do not choose to work on developing their sexual lives earnestly, since most people do not know where to go for support. We all need support for our sexuality and relationships at some point in our lives. But we also learn the taboos that say “Don’t talk about sex. It’s private.” Or false ideals: “You shouldn’t need help with sex. It should come naturally.” What I know is that when someone like me comes into the midst, like with the guy on the plane, people can’t stop talking about sex because they are so glad to have the space where they actually CAN.

Sex is complex, sometimes confusing and one of the most fulfilling parts of our lives when we are doing well with it. Our relationships, regardless of whether they are sexual, are an essential part of our joy and our everyday lives. That’s why people work with me. They want their intimate lives to be the best they can possibly be and they are searching for tools to help them with it.

My clients experience huge breakthroughs via our work that are life-changing. The only difference between them and you is that they’ve made the commitment to do this work.

When you invest in yourself you get back in untold ways. The times in my life when I’ve made big monetary, time and energy investments in myself and my own growth have felt wonderful. They actually made me HIGH because it feels that good to invest in me. When I work on myself and I grow, the feeling I have is total empowerment. I’ve done a lot of my work so I can give my learning to my clients. I can’t help clients walk through doors that I haven’t opened wide and walked through myself.

So I hope you are choosing to invest in yourself in 2012. If your sexuality is a part of you that needs a serious tune-up, then listen to that need and take action. If you are ready, I want to work with you one-on-one in 2012. I will meet you right where you are right now to help you grow your relationships and sexual self so you live a more fulfilled and powerful life NOW.

What do you say? Do you want that? If so, then why would you wait?

2. Each person brings a candle to represent illumination of what needs light at this time in life.

3. Welcome the participants and/or spirits if you believe they are there with you.

4. Each person names one energy they are welcoming into their life as they light their candle. (love, peace of mind, a new relationship/job/project, clarity, financial abundance, etc.) Go around the circle and have each person do this.

5. Take time to meditate on the last year. Some questions to ponder:

• What are you grateful for in 2011?
• What was magical about 2011?
• How did you grow?
• Think about your growth in the following areas: physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, spiritually, sexually, financially, and socially. How do you envision yourself in each area in the coming year?
• What are you ready to let go of and leave in 2011?
• What do you want to invite into your life in 2012?
• What have you learned from this past year or what insights do you have about it?
• What do you want to see in the world in the coming year? How will you work towards that goal?

You can do this in silence or with music and it might help to say the questions out loud if you are with others to guide them, or to write them down where people can see them. If you choose to guide others in meditation be sure to go slowly and give them time to take in and meditate on each question or piece of guidance.

6. Free write your insights. Take time to write these things down once you have meditated on these questions.

7. If in a group, each person can take time to share what they’d like to share. Ask them to include at least one wish bigger than themselves, more of a humanity or worldly wish.

8. Take a moment of silence at the end to consciously let all of what was said have space to settle into your cells and your consciousness. Breathe it into your body and mind.

9. Each person can blow or snuff out their candle, noting one thing they leave in 2011.

10. If you are with yourself, look in the mirror and offer yourself love and grace for your incoming year. If you are with others, take turns looking into each other’s eyes to silently offer wishes of growth, abundance and joy for the year.

11. End with a song, quote, prayer or some other form of closure.

12. Send me your insights, or post comments here. I’d love to hear from you.

I was shamed by my mother for touching my genitals when I was 8 years old and that kept me from touching my genitals, masturbating, or otherwise exploring my body until college! For 10 years, I internalized all kinds of messages about my genitals and what it meant to be curious about them. Shame is powerful.

Maybe you got caught masturbating, playing childhood games, exploring your body, or playing make-believe in ways that made the adults around you feel uncomfortable. They may have even come from a good place of wanting to protect you, yet the result was your being humiliated by them, which can turn into a deep sense of shame for who you are.

    Sex is so personal that it’s the most painful place a person can be shamed. There is a new term being used, “Slut shaming” where teenaged girls are being shamed for their sexual expression or assumed sexual experiences. This has become more commonplace with the internet being such a convenient way to harass someone. Shame affects everyone, but it especially affects those of us who do not fit the dominant norms of our culture. So gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are easy targets, as are sexually expressed/powerful women and girls.

   Many shaming experiences happen so quickly you hardly know what happened, but the result can be years of feeling bad. If a peer who you respect asserts that she doesn’t do such-and-such kind of sex, or that only “sluts” would do that, you become red in the face if you are the “slut” who has done that.

Shame is often tied up in people’s experiences with abuse: a victim of abuse might be humiliated as part of the abuse, and told that they deserve it for some reason. They might walk away holding so much shame for what happened that they never tell anyone, or they do tell and the person they confided in blames them for what happened or questions them in a way that shames them all over again.

The thing about shame is that it exists and becomes bigger in isolation. So the more you keep it to yourself, the more it can overcome you and the more painful it gets. Shame is never good for sexuality. It serves to keep you feeling small, staying in line, acting small or outside of what you would authentically do, feeling undeserving, and it keeps you disconnected from others who can support you and help you escape it.

 We all have experiences of shame to work through at some point relating to our sexuality. Sometimes it comes later as you age and have shameful feelings about how your body and sexual responses are changing. To live a sexually empowered life, you need to directly work on your internal shame that keeps you from being the fully actualized sexual person you are meant to be.

I am constantly helping my clients look at their shameful places and work on releasing the shame that holds them back. Quietly holding onto shame does not serve your sexual growth-it only serves to limit who you are or believe you can be. The antidote to shame is compassion, according to Brené Brown, so creating situations where we can speak our shame and be received in a place of compassion and empathy is one of the ways to let it go.

And if you are making decisions based on feeling shame, or fear of future shame, that’s a sign it’s time to look at how shame is getting in the way of you living your life and being who you want to be.

Releasing sexual shame and blockages is the second step of my “9 Steps to a Sexually Empowered Life”, a dynamic process I use in my private coaching and in my Women’s Sexually Empowered Life program. For more information about working with me, go here.

We ALL have a sexual story to tell.Your story might include your experience of your own body from very early in your life up to now. It might include feelings of desire or crushes or past relationships and sexual experiences. It includes shame and rejection, ignorance and trauma or other difficult parts of your sexual experience–the parts you rarely, if ever, share. It includes your relationship to your own sexual identity and how you came to know and name your sexuality. It includes your experience of your gender and of all the expectations and messages you received from your culture. It includes so much–your rich, unique experience of sexuality.

Many of us never tell our sexual story–in part or in whole because we learn that sexuality is taboo and we shouldn’t talk about or acknowledge sex. Many of us have had difficult experiences that we’d rather not remember so we repress them and do not speak of them. Some things make us feel so much shame that we stay quiet and keep them to ourselves.

When you stay quiet about your sexuality, you limit it–you can only grow it so much in silence. When you keep the shamed parts to yourself, you maintain your own shame instead of releasing it.

I think this is why the Vagina Monologues have been so popular and have had such a long vibrant life of opening up the world of storytelling about our genitals and the private things that relate to our genitals. The production has helped thousands of people break the silence they have about sexuality and about their vulvas/vaginas. It’s also why Take Back the Night and other events are where women can offer testimonials about their traumatic experiences are so valuable. They help us not to be alone with it. I travel a lot teaching workshops at colleges, conferences, and in community spaces. One of the workshops I teach relating to the Vagina Monologues is “My Own Vagina’s Monologue.” I love teaching this workshop because it helps women to open up about their stories relating to their bodies.

Telling your story is the first step of releasing the painful parts and embracing the delicious parts.

Telling your story also helps you let go of the parts of it which do not serve you anymore.

Telling your story helps you to expand, to enrich and continue to make the story you want.

Telling your own sexual story is the first step in my Sexually Empowered Life Program. I work with people to examine their stories–and give them a place to tell them, release them and to grow them to a new place, the one of their choosing…which is much more empowering than feeling like we are simply a recipient or victim in a story. We create the story and that can start right now.

With sexuality, many people have a chronic problem with putting it on hold because, well, “I’d work on it if only I had the time,” or “I’d be able to get my needs met, if only I had the right lover,” or “I’d indulge in something I want (a new toy, a weekend workshop, a pamper day) if only I had the money.” Or “I’d have more fun sexually if only I were younger/prettier/didn’t have kids,” etc.

You disempower yourself and you prevent yourself from having what you really want with your “if onlys”. “If only” is a clue you are making an excuse. How often do you find yourself thinking or saying, “I’d do it, if only…”?

I want to suggest that you get that little phrase out of your vocabulary.

You might be thinking, well, I can do that for some things but not for others. I hear people make lots of excuses about why they don’t work on their sexuality and sexual relationships. They call me and claim they want to work on themselves, and then come the litany of reasons why they just can’t. At that point, I suggest they think about it and when they’re ready to make the commitment, contact me again.

I’m most interested in and satisfied by working with people who are committed to living more sexually fulfilled lives. People who want deeper levels of intimacy and more aligned, satisfying relationships. You want to know why I work with these people? Because when you’re committed to something, really committed, you drop the excuses and you do whatever it takes. That’s what makes it a commitment. And that makes what I do far more satisfying, than someone with one foot in and one foot out.

If you find yourself going back and forth in your mind about something and lots of excuses keep coming up, you might be interested and in a place of contemplating it, but you have not yet made a decision to do it and there is no commitment.

Sometimes people even do relationships that way, even the ones they call “committed”.

They have made a false commitment to someone because they are still waffling with excuses and “if onlys” about the relationship. Pay attention if you hear yourself saying things like: “Well, he’s a great guy. The relationship would be awesome if only he were a better lover, or if only he wanted kids…” or “Our sex life is good but not great. I get other things from her, so maybe this just isn’t the thing we will have”, or “We have good sex, but I want more emotional depth. If only he could provide that, I’d be totally fulfilled.”

Many people settle in relationships, and then feel bad for settling. So to compensate for that and convince themselves they made a sound choice, they make excuses for their mate, or for why they are with them.

Does this sound familiar? I’ve certainly done it. So begin to notice where you are making excuses, holding back your own true desires with “if onlys”. What can you begin to let go of and cut out? How much happier would you be if you let it go, and stopped making excuses for why you don’t do or can’t have something?

It’s not bad to want something bigger for your sexuality. You are meant to expand sexually. If you are constricting rather than expanding, look at the reasons why and make a commitment to change them. The way to change your life is to take decisive action, commit and move.

What can you take action on right now in order to create movement in your life? What “if onlys” will you let go of this week?

I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.

I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin.

You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?

Your Sexual Temperature Key

Sometimes sexual fever is fun but that’s not what I’m talking about here!

What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:

• Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
• Your level of pleasure and joy, both emotional and physical
• Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
• Your radiance and excitement-are you glowing daily?
• Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
• Your energy level, overall and sexually
• Your sexual and creative expression

Your Sexual Empowerment Assignment

Take a moment with each area and stick in the thermometer and read it honestly.

If your temperature is below normal in any of these areas, think about 3 things you could do to breathe life back into this part, starting today.

If you are sexually homeostatic, what are 3 things you love and appreciate about the healthy temperature of this part?

And if you are overheated or feverish, what 3 things could you do to recalibrate and rebalance to a place of sexual homeostasis and optimal functioning?

Take your sexual temperature regularly and prevent your sexuality from falling to a place of being ignored, neglected, or into total disrepair.

If you are struggling to take the next steps and know you would benefit from guidance and support, you may want to work with a sex coach or therapist to get to the next level and begin to live your most sexually empowered life.

Would you like to reprint this article? No problem! We’d be happy to arrange that. Just write to us at articles@amyjogoddard.com.

There is a real sadness many men (and their partners) have about the waning state of their erections, be it due to aging or other challenges in their relationships. Many men will blow it off by feigning a new disinterest in sex. And some really are less interested than ever before with many biochemical and emotional changes at work.

Sometimes men begin to avoid sexual situations all together because they fear embarrassment, more shame, and guilt that they can’t please their partner the way they think he or she wants to be pleased. That potential humiliation is enough to shut a man down sexually. And if he shuts down, often, his partner will shut down too. And that’s really no fun. The partner may also feel angry, frustrated, lonely and resentful towards him for abandoning their sexual life, wanting some of that juicy sexiness back. And there is no reason why you can’t reclaim it.

For many men, their sexual prowess is built on having big erections and hard cocks with which to please their partners. When their erections become elusive, a deep shame can creep in that separates a man from his partner and inhibits sex. The really sad part is that this situation could do just the opposite and bring lovers closer together if they are able to communicate honestly and create solutions.

My co-author Kurt Brungardt and I wrote about this in Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men; the idea that it’s actually very freeing for men to let go of their cocks being at the center of the game. Men who learn to use their fingers, hands, mouths and brains in sex will be far less destabilized when erectile difficulties crop up. They know they have many tools of pleasure at the ready and they will use them rather than the alternative: avoiding sex altogether.

This is not to say there won’t be a sense of loss for many men as things in their bodies and sexual functioning change. Sometimes there is a real loss to grieve and it’s important to get support for those feelings. On some level, we all experience loss as we age and our sexual functioning changes. Rather than getting stuck in our guilt, fears, or sadness about it we can work towards embracing change and our new life stage.

I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear. This is part of the denial that fuels Viagra sales. Viagra may be right for some people in some situations, but more important is to work on what’s contributing to erectile difficulties and the feelings and reactions men and their partners have when they come up.

When a man and his partner handle erectile difficulties with grace, new ideas for pleasure open up and more sexual fulfillment is possible. Sometimes, dare I say, better than before. And sometimes, the erections come back. Win. Win. So why not tackle it head on?

What is your experience with the elusive erection? I’d love to hear you chime in on this.

I’m skeptical because in my experience few men will commit to working on their sexuality earnestly. In the past, all of the men who have contacted me on their own have either been creepy or ultimately flaked out. The creepy ones want some kindof sex work I do not offer. I am a coach and an educator. That’s what I do. But somehow because we put sex in my title, there is an assumption that some form of sex/phone sex will be for sale. I’ve had men come for a few coaching sessions and then disappear. The flaky ones are more hopeful because I understand some of the reasons they tend to disappear, but I get annoyed when my time is wasted. I’m clear about who I am here to serve: women and couples, in part because in my experience, men are not up for the work.

I believe that many of the men who do realize they need help and then reach out to me are fearful that they don’t know enough about sex and hate to believe they need help from a woman—a queer one at that. It’s way too much for their egos to handle. They’ve been socialized their whole lives to believe they should KNOW what to do sexually (like that just magically happens without any education), to be a total stud doing it, and to want sex and be ready for it all the time.

So maybe they realize that some part of this cultural fantasy isn’t working for them and they decide to reach out to me for coaching. But when I take them seriously, and it comes time to get to work, they run, because it’s far too confronting. They can’t handle that level of vulnerability.

So I don’t know what happened with the guy last week. His concerns seemed legit enough. He called to check in the day before our appointment and then totally skipped out on it with no correspondence at all. I also find that an interesting pattern. When women cancel an appointment, they usually let me know.

I’m not saying I won’t work with men, yet. I know there are special men out there who want to do the work on themselves to have a more satisfying sex life and to heal their wounds. Whether they’ll find me and commit to working on it is another story. The best male clients are usually the ones who come with their partners to work together. Maybe somehow, that is safer for them.

Mostly, I just find it sad that for so many men, their own socialization and deep-seated wounds or misconceptions about sex allow them to disrespect me and prevent them from getting the help they need. I  don’t take it personally. But what I do know is that if they are disrespecting me, they’ll most likely disrespect their partners.

Everyone has work to do on their sexuality at some point in their lives. I mean EVERYONE. The majority of people, certainly the majority of men, will never do it. They will stay trapped with their egos demanding an impossible performance of them.

I wrote a book for men. Sometimes books are safer. Feel free to check out Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men if you want to just dip a toe in the water. For the ones who have actually walked through the door, I have been honored. They are indeed special and unfortunately, very unusual.

We learn to deal with sexuality in deficits. What’s not there. What we don’t have. What we can’t be. What we can’t do. What we need to stay away from. I’d like to swing the lens around 180 degrees and take a look at what we DO want. What we CAN be. What we CAN have. What we CAN do. What types of lovers we CAN draw to us. What experiences we CAN create for ourselves. How we can EXPAND who we are exponentially when we develop, nurture, heal and explore our sexuality.This week, I want to answer the question, “What does it mean to be a sexually empowered person?”

A person who is Authentically Sexually Empowered and lives their life in alignment with their Erotic Authenticity is someone who:

• Is intimately connected to their sexual self
• Identifies and experiences wants and desires without crossing the boundaries of another
• Communicates needs, wants and desires without blame or shame
• Accepts rejection without taking it personally
• Feels at home in their self and their body
• Sets authentic boundaries and means it
• Is educated about how their body, pleasure and relationships “work”
• Knows and utilizes available options for sexual expression and erotic experience
• Feels fully sexually expressed and when they are not in full expression, they know how to get there
• Thoughtfully explores sex and sexuality so that they can make clear distinctions about what’s right for them and what’s not
• Develops and uses skills to make pleasureful, satisfying, fulfilling sex their norm
• Forms relationships and develops intimacy that supports the highest expression of their core energy
• Expresses a range of emotions in healthy ways that do not harm themselves or others
• Identifies defense patterns in relationships and works to overcome them and replace them with healthy ways of connecting to others
• Develops healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions, grief and pain
• Engages in clean, clear communication
• Works to heal and release any shame, guilt or trauma about their sexuality
• Heals the need to be competitive with others and to release patterns of lack, deprivation and feeling like they “can’t have it all”
• Critically examines cultural messages about sexuality, gender and sex
• Rejects and challenges sexual stereotypes, assumptions, false ideas and cultural myths that hinder, impair, squash or dim their magnificent sexual self
• Identifies and experiences erotic authenticity even when socially popular ideas pressure them to do or like something else
• Explores and develops an authentic sexual identity and does not need to hide or shift that identity to feel comfortable and safe in their life
• Knows they never have to settle and that choosing one key desire and forsaking another is a false choice
• Makes authentic sexual decisions
• Experiences joy and pleasure regularly and as a norm in life
• Develops their confidence and sexual self-esteem
• Lives in alignment with their desires
• Shines their light in its full bigness & juiciness in the world
• Feels at home in themselves and moves through the world from a place of self-intimacy