What to do with All These Weiners?

Congressman Weiner is the center of only the latest sex scandal to grace the pages of US newspapers and give Americans (and others who love to poke fun at our sexual Puritanism) something to k’vetch about whilst diverting our attention from matters of true importance. But what is important about this phenomenon of politicians who engage in sexual dishonesty? Let’s examine this from a sex-positive, culturally critical perspective.

People act like these sex scandals are so surprising, as if by some magical transformation, just by nature of becoming a politician, people cease to be human or to live in our culture. We live in a sex-negative culture that promotes tremendously unrealistic standards for sexual desire, attraction and expression. When I say “sex-negative”, I mean that we do not see sexuality as a positive, healthy part of life and something to be expressed, but rather as something to fear, loathe, control, manipulate, suppress or use against others. We create very narrow standards for sexual conduct and guess what? We are such a diverse people, that most of us won’t be able to uphold those limited standards. Really, it’s just simple math if you think about it. And Weiner exists in this same culture and falls prey to it just like you and me.

Our culture also loves to sexually shame people and we use sexual shame as a means for gaining cultural currency. Politicians, who have many “enemies” will be obvious targets for public shamings. And we all love reading the stories and sighing about what a horrible man/father/husband/politician he is because he had sexual feelings he didn’t manage well. I’m not excusing poor behavior, but since we live in a culture that on the whole doesn’t offer many opportunities for other ways of expressing our sexuality outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage, eventually, those of us who are repressing parts of our desire or identity are going to leak it and get busted for it. It’s the way it works.

And really, is Weiner so different from most other men? He’s fascinated by his own penis and how big it is. He just took the step of photographing it and sharing it, to his detriment. Poor form for sure, but penile narcissism is nothing new.

Politicians aren’t really supposed to be sexual. They are supposed to uphold an impossible moral code and they fail over and over because it’s impossible—sexual or otherwise. They are no different from the rest of us, but because they are a public figure, they are under much more intense scrutiny and they are “supposed to know better.” Well, guess what? They don’t. And we all participate in these public shamings that not only hurt them, but hurt their partners and their families deeply. Because there is no greater place to be shamed than in your crotch. We get them where it counts and then all of their work and judgment is deemed questionable. But we breed men to be sexually demonstrative and then we tell them they’re all wrong for doing it.

While I didn’t agree with how President Clinton handled his scandal and it was obvious there were serious power differentials at work between he and Monica Lewinsky, I was grateful to know the man’s sexuality was alive. I’d much rather have the man with access to the big red button be a person who expresses his sexuality than be a repressed, suppressed sexual person who is ready to explode because he has no outlet for sexual expression. And the truth was that none of us knew what agreements he and Hilary had about their relationship. We always assume people to be monogamous because few of us talk about being otherwise. I think it’s likely they had made some agreements about extra-marital sex. But that would lower the scandal quotient so we don’t want to look at that possibility. It’s more fun to shame!

Ultimately, Weiner’s downfall, just as that of many of his peers, is his narcissism. In a position of power where the whole road is open before you and the possibilities for affecting American politics are in your reach, you think you are above the law and that the same standards don’t apply to you. You think in grandiose terms that make it hard to imagine you’d get caught doing anything wrong because you don’t even see it as wrong anymore. You are a dogooder so a little chasing of your desire is no big crime.
Think former NYS Governor Spitzer. Think Schwarznegger. There is such a long list of them at this point. We like to put these guys in their place and remind them that the same standards do apply to them. What I’d like to see us question are the standards we hold ourselves to to begin with. If we’d address sexuality as a natural and normal part of our lives, if we’d implement comprehensive sexuality education programs for all ages, if we’d make real sexuality education and therapy widely available and paid for by insurance, if we’d value all people as sexual regardless of their gender, age, race, ability level, orientation or any other characteristic, it would look really different. Until then, we’ll continue to see these scandals pop up and make a laughing stock out of politicians who should know better…but how are they to know better? They might want to start by funding comprehensive sexuality education so their kids have a fighting chance to do it differently. Since Weiner is staying in office, he’s got a great opportunity to use his voice where his penis fell a little short.

Tags: comprehensive sexuality education, Congressman Weiner, narcissism, sex scandal, sex-negativity, shadow, unrealistic expectations
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Sexuality is About Opening Up

So many of us live in a constant state of lack. We won’t give to ourselves. We think we can’t have all we want. We think we don’t deserve it. Then we complain that we don’t have what we want and we feel deprived. Deprivation is not sexy. And it shuts us down.

Sexuality is about lushness, abundance, beauty, aliveness, fullness, expansion, desire, connection. It’s the opposite of lack and deprivation. It’s about fulfilling our desires and exploring new terrain. It’s about opening up.

But opening up is scary for most people. If we are open, we are vulnerable and our culture gives vulnerability a bad rap. Yet being vulnerable is how we grow and allow ourselves to be given to. It’s very vulnerable to allow another person to give to us. And when they are giving to our naked body and we are wide open and visible, whoah! That’s just too much for many of us! But it’s really beautiful.

We learn to cover ourselves up and not be seen. Yet we crave being seen. Who doesn’t want to be seen for who they are in the world? Most of us truly want that and it touches our hearts when we are seen.

Last week, I finished the spring semester the way I always do with my college students. Before I give them their final we have a group closure. I ask them each to speak on what they’ve learned, what’s been most important for them and what they are walking away with from my class. I also give them an opportunity to acknowledge someone in the room who might have affected them during the semester. Sometimes they acknowledge me, which is sweet, and I also really love to see them acknowledge each other. They sit in class with each other all semester, talking about personal matters and it’s beautiful to hear that you affected someone in the room. I love this ritual.

In part, it’s how I make sure I am given to on the last day. I know I affect my students and many of them make profound changes in their lives due to my class. I want to hear this. I want to know how my work is making a difference, how they are affected, so I make room for this. Many of them also want to give to me. They have things they want to say! One student made a list so he would remember everything he wanted to mention. So it’s a gift to myself and to them. I let them give to me. And giving to others makes us feel good.

They said some beautiful things. One of them called me “brave” in the most sincere way and said that my example has helped him to speak up where before he wouldn’t–to be more courageous in his own life. Wow. That one went right to my heart. It was beautiful. And you know one of the things they really speak to again and again? The way I make myself vulnerable, and “real”, the way I share myself with them. That’s what they want. That’s probably what they remember most…not which two bodily systems control the stress response.

If we don’t make ourselves vulnerable it’s hard to be given to. Sexually or otherwise. If you are guarded, how much love, affection, pleasure or adoration can really get in? How are you guarding yourself in your life and relationships? How are you keeping people away? If you want love and intimacy, this behavior is antithetical to your desire. You have to decide what’s more important. Do you want to really be loved and nourished and devoured, or do you want to be guarded and safe and distant? Sometimes we need the guard, but we often pull it out when we don’t. Let yourself be seen.

I’ll take the gooey. The warm fuzzies. The openness. No topic is too taboo. No sexual desire is unspeakable. I’m here for the exploration. I’m here to open. I work on doing that every day. I encourage you to meet life in this way and to hold your vulnerabilities as gifts and as tools for your own blooming.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, courage, deprivation, opening up, sexuality, vulnerability
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Sexuality is NOT a Luxury

Recently, I was at a conference and at lunch I sat next to a woman who had heard me say that I am a sexuality educator and sex and relationship coach in the morning session. She said, “I think most people think of sexuality as a luxury. Is there really a market for what you do?”

Often when I tell people that I am a sexuality educator they say, “Oh do you work with teens?” The implication, of course, is that teenagers are the only people who need sex ed. But actually, we ALL need it. “No.” I say, “I work primarily with adults and college students.” People seem to be able to understand my teaching college students, probably picturing safer sex demos on bananas and warnings about all the things young people need to avoid around sex.  My guess is that people rarely think about conversations about pleasure and fulfillment in sex or working to create highly functional communication that builds relationships when they imagine what I do.

Most people have a pretty limited definition of sexuality, thinking it’s only about sex and sexual orientation or “preference,” as many people call it. Yet it’s so much more. Healthy sexuality is critical to our pursuit of happiness, healthy family structures and building societies based on love, community and creativity instead of destruction, hate, and war. I think that’s pretty fundamentally important for any adult, so yes, adults need sex education, coaches and guidance if they want to create fulfilling lives that reach their highest creative and joyful potential.

Let me say this as clearly as I can: Sexuality is NOT a luxury. It is an intrinsic part of who we are. It is what brings us orgasmic joy for living fully realized lives. It is the energy we use to make art, make community, make business, make love, and create intimacy. It is the way we connect to our environment and to others. It is the energy we use to bring our whole selves forth in the world.

If you still do not see this vision, let’s imagine a world without sexuality. Picture this: People walking around like robots with deadened looks in their eyes, unable to feel pleasure and joy, unable to find ways to connect with each other. There is a lack of love and compassion because we have no connection. There is an inherent separateness and divisiveness in our way of living. No real collaboration. No one is creative. This inevitably leads to mass wars, killing and aggression—passion unchecked by love. We don’t birth nearly as many babies, but the ones we actually have are neglected and left to fend for themselves. Most of them, of course, do not survive this sexuality-less world.

In a word, without our sexuality, we are MISERABLE.

We already have mass wars, killing, disconnection, you say. I say, where these things are most acute, look at the cultural mores about sexuality and pleasure. Is pleasure supported and encouraged? Is sexual expression valued? Are people sexually repressed? Oppressed? How is sexual shame used to control citizens?

Remember when Clinton was in office? As soon as he was publicly shamed about his sexuality with the Monica Lewinsky debacle, he started a war. Literally began dropping bombs. This was not just about diversion, although that was part of it. It was about his need to assert his power, his sexuality. If we aren’t creating love, joy and pleasure with it, we are going to go polar and create abusive situations, violence and war because our passion needs expression.

Sexuality is not a luxury. It’s the critical core of our happiness and well-being. We cannot afford to ignore this well of energy that exists within each one of us. The world needs our juice. Our juju. Our creativity. Our vision.

I continue to envision this world in my work, my writing, and my dreams. I create it in my relationships. I know it’s possible. Our sexuality is that powerful. It is a necessary antidote to all that ails us.

If it’s no where near the top of your list, I encourage you to make your sexuality a priority. You will be a much happier person as you become more aligned with your own beauty and magnificence and the very core of who you are. We have to stay tuned in to that channel all the time. That takes some real presence and energy, but the potential rewards are unlimited.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, intimacy, luxury, Relationships, Sexual Growth, sexuality
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Sex is a Skill

I made my students repeat aloud “Sex is a skill,” as I was beginning the sexuality module in my college courses last week, their collective voices paired with open and uncomfortable grins.

I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that yes, SEX REQUIRES SKILL! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat. That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them!

When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.

Yet we have all these romantic notions that somehow sex is just natural, it “just happens” and, it’s perfect with “the one” you love, right? Gender roles have a particular hold on men in this ready-and-able department—quietly dictating that men should always want sex, be ready for sex and know how to do it. Whoah! Pressure!

Most of us experience fumbly, awkward, unsexy early ventures into the forays of sexual pleasuring with a partner. In a culture like ours, where we place so little emphasis on teaching sex education, we are all left to fumble about and try to figure it out on our own. Sometimes we have a happy accident and something new is learned and pleasures, even orgasms, happen. Cheers for happy accidents! But by and large, if we don’t work on learning the skills of sex, the quality of our sexual lives will reflect that lack of emphasis.

All skills require practice to become good at them and sex is no different. So since most of us had no sex education, or had limited education that focused on prevention of unwanted consequences, we have to roll up our adult sleeves and do the work to learn the language of erotic pleasure. When we take time to develop our sexual skills—everything from sexual techniques, breathing/breathwork, anatomy & sexual functioning, communication, how to create deeper intimacy/relationships, developing awareness of desires, or how to be playful—we reap the rewards with more satisfying sexual lives, bigger orgasms, and deeper sexual connection and intimacy. What sexually active person wouldn’t want that?

So what sexual muscle do you want to work on? This year I decided I wanted to have 10 sexual firsts. I’m well past 7 or 8 already. It’s fun to figure outwhat’s next and to be surprised. I’ve been teaching sexuality for 15 years, but there is always room to grow.

Your Assignment, should you choose to accept? Make a list of the top 5 or 10 sexual skills you’d like to learn or improve. Then look at where and how you could learn those things. What books could you read? What teachers and coaches work on these issues? What lover might explore them with you? What teleclasses, webinairs, or other events could help? What community resources might be useful? Your sex life and sex skills will not magically get better or materialize out of nothing. They will develop out of your consciousness and commitment to grow them.

My education and coaching work are my commitment to helping people grow sexually. I’d be happy to help, or recommend someone else who might be a good fit for you. Feel free to contact me directly about it! But whatever you do, put some energy into your sexual life this spring!

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, growth in relationship, healthy relationships, sex, Sexual Growth, sexual skills, sexuality
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A New Year’s Ritual

We have many ways of marking our lives in meaningful ways. As a ritualist, I find ways to ritualize many things in my life and relationships. I find the New Year to be an introspective holiday, although a good party is definitely welcome fun! As the year comes to a close, might I suggest that you find a way to ritualize it for yourself and make it meaningful on an internal level. If you have a partner, good friend or group of people you’d like to share this with, community is wonderful to include in such introspection. That might mean taking a walk in nature and revisiting the important, difficult and memorable moments of your year. It might mean doing some writing to take stock of it’s gifts, bid it farewell, and open to the coming year. It might mean sitting in meditation and allowing what needs to come through to reveal itself. However you celebrate and however hard you party, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your life and all of its gifts as the year turns.

I do not suggest resolutions. Goals are great, but make them things you are really ready to commit to in the new year. If they include things like losing weight, working out, or communicating better, be sure you are clear about just how far you can realistically take that goal this year. When we set the bar too high, we end up feeling bad about ourselves when we aren’t able to meet it.

Here is a little ritual you can try for yourself alone, or with friends:

New Year’s Ritual

1. Create an altar–use some special cloth and place a few special items, photos, art or whatever you want to make the altar special. Anything goes.

2. Each person brings a candle to represent illumination of what needs light at this time in life.

3. Welcome the participants and/or spirits if you believe they are there with you.

4. Each person names one energy they are welcoming into their life as they light their candle. (love, peace of mind, a new relationship/job/project, clarity, financial abundance, etc.) Go around the circle and have each person do this.

5. Take time to meditate on the last year. Some questions to ponder:

• What are you grateful for in 2010?
• What was magical about 2010?
• How did you grow?
• Think about your growth in the following areas: physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, spiritually, sexually, financially, and socially. How do you envision yourself in each area in the coming year?
• What are you ready to let go of and leave in 2010?
• What do you want to invite into your life in 2011?
• What have you learned from this past year or what insights do you have about it?
• What do you want to see in the world in the coming year? How will you work towards that goal?

You can do this in silence or with music and it might help to say the questions out loud if you are with others to guide them, or to write them down where people can see them. If you choose to guide others in meditation be sure to go slowly and give them time to take in and meditate on each question or piece of guidance.

6. Free write your insights. Take time to write these things down once you have meditated on these questions.

7. If in a group, each person can take time to share what they’d like to share. Ask them to include at least one wish bigger than themselves, more of a humanity or worldly wish.

8. Take a moment of silence at the end to consciously let all of what was said have space to settle into your cells and your consciousness. Breathe it into your body and mind.

9. Each person can blow or snuff out their candle, noting one thing they leave in 2010.

10. If you are with yourself, look in the mirror and offer yourself love and grace for your incoming year. If you are with others, take turns looking into each other’s eyes to silently offer wishes of growth, abundance and joy for the year.

11. End with a song, quote, prayer or some other form of closure.

12. Send me your insights, or post comments here. I’d love to hear from you.

If you would like to join me in person for a little bit of a different ritual, I am hosting Manifesting the Life You Want: A New Year’s Ritual & Workshop on Saturday, January 8. We will actually make a collage as we envision our new year. It will be part meditation, visioning, creation, ritual and community. I hope to see some of you New Yorkers there.

However you choose to honor it, may you have a blessed and abundantly joyful New Year! Happy 2011!

Posted in Pleasure & Desire, Sexual Growth, Workshops | 1 Comment »

The Art of Your Sex Life

I have worked in the field of sexuality for the last 15 years, with everyone from kids in first grade, to adolescents, college students and adults. I have been inspired by people’s curiosity and played witness to many “Ah-ha!” moments—times when something clicked and a person became attuned to their sexuality in some new way, or when a new piece of information filled a former gap. I have listened to stories and struggles of people who feel disconnected from their sexuality, from their bodies, and from their partners. I have known many people who have gone through sexuality and relationship traumas and continue to struggle to feel at home in their sexual selves.

I witness many couples, after being together for many years, lose the initial spark that filled them with desire and longing—and as domestic duties add up, and especially when children come into the picture, sex becomes less frequent, infrequent or altogether non-existent. I see how this saddens many couples and deadens them to the possibility that they can have the vibrant sexual life they once had together, or dreamed they’d one day have but never quite got to.

The reality of the challenges of keeping our sexuality alive and juicy set in as we get comfortable in relationships, especially committed monogamous relationships where sexual fulfillment is maintained primarily with one’s partner. Many people choose to do intimate relationships this way, and so to engender a yummy sexual partnership for many years and a vibrant sexual life with ourselves through the decades, we have to shift the way we approach sex.

Our culture sets us up with the romantic ideal that so few couples ever “achieve”—even our language about relationships and sex sets us up for disappointment or feeling like we “failed”. That romantic ideal that we’ll find our one “soul mate” and that we’ll live—you know, “happily ever after, til’ death do us part”. We have piss-poor role models for the most part. Usually, we do whatever our parents did, and for many of us, that can look disastrous, as we reproduce our family dynamics over and again with our lovers. And if we actually choose to work on our self-development, we spend the rest of our lives unlearning poor communication habits and relationship patterns that just don’t work for us. But if we do not choose to do the really hard work, we inevitably end up leaving our partners, or staying in unhappy relationships that revolve around paying bills, taking care of household tasks, refinancing mortgages and other decidedly unsexy things. It’s no wonder our sex lives fizzle right out and the divorce rate is through the roof. It’s the norm, not the exception. I don’t even think that’s necessarily a negative thing, because many relationships are meant to be finite.  But problematically, none of this leaves us with a clear vision of what a juicy sexual life looks like.

I have come to believe that our sexual lives are like our artistic lives, or our spiritual lives, or our career, or our children: each is a living breathing aspect of our life that is only as vibrant as the energy we offer in service to it. If we don’t give our sexuality energy, it withers and sometimes almost seems to die. It requires our attention and energy and prioritizing, like any artistic craft or successful career would. Our art will not materialize on its own without our nurturing it, without our planning time to actually make art, and without our study, appreciation and meditation on beauty and creativity. Our sexual fulfillment is no different. You can choose to give it energy, and see it flourish and grow, and feel good that you spend time nourishing your sexuality, and/or your sexual relationship each week. Or, like many of us do, you can get caught up in your busy life, and turn around months or years later wondering where your sexual gusto went.

Most of us think something is wrong with us if we have an unfulfilling sex life. If we let it, life will sweep us up and we’ll come up with all kinds of reasons why we don’t have enough sex, or orgasms, or the deeply intimate relationships we want. Many of us either don’t know how, or refuse to take action about our own sexuality. We think it’s just supposed to organically materialize, and when it doesn’t, we start looking for the perfect prescription. The pharmaceutical companies have gotten hip to the fact that selling the magic bullet to busy sexless people will make them a whole lot of cash if they sell low sexual-self-esteem for the right price to unhappy bidders. Many of us are buying it. Women are getting their genitals nipped and tucked now, supposedly to feel better as sexual people, without doing the real work to love themselves and their perfectly imperfect sexuality or sexual body. We don’t need all of that.

What we need is this: If we want to have the vibrant, active, sexually fulfilling life that we deserve, we have to plant the seeds that will grow the tree of sexual pleasure. We have to offer ourselves in service to our sexuality. We have to create deeper intimacy in our lives. Disconnection rarely leads to powerful sexual experiences. We have to prioritize sex! We have to schedule time for it each week, take time each year to go on a retreat, or attend classes that will invigorate our sexual lives on a regular basis. We need to medibate (Barbara Carellas’ term for masturbation as meditation). We need to make sex part of our own worship of the divine.

There is no easy way. Your sex life won’t grow because you will it to. It won’t deepen because you think it should. Your orgasms won’t improve because you think it’s your birthright. Only you get to make that happen. And when you do, it can become part of how you live. After all, whatever you nurture is what you value. I have come to see my sexual life as a work of art, an act of creation, a way I connect to my own divinity, and to my partner. That’s worth blocking out some time for each day or week, and it’s worth fighting for. I have fought for it. And now, I’m working on dancing with it. How will you dance with yours?

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