When Erections Are Elusive

It’s the big unspoken secret.

There is a real sadness many men (and their partners) have about the waning state of their erections, be it due to aging or other challenges in their relationships. Many men will blow it off by feigning a new disinterest in sex. And some really are less interested than ever before with many biochemical and emotional changes at work.

Sometimes men begin to avoid sexual situations all together because they fear embarrassment, more shame, and guilt that they can’t please their partner the way they think he or she wants to be pleased. That potential humiliation is enough to shut a man down sexually. And if he shuts down, often, his partner will shut down too. And that’s really no fun. The partner may also feel angry, frustrated, lonely and resentful towards him for abandoning their sexual life, wanting some of that juicy sexiness back. And there is no reason why you can’t reclaim it.

For many men, their sexual prowess is built on having big erections and hard cocks with which to please their partners. When their erections become elusive, a deep shame can creep in that separates a man from his partner and inhibits sex. The really sad part is that this situation could do just the opposite and bring lovers closer together if they are able to communicate honestly and create solutions.

My co-author Kurt Brungardt and I wrote about this in Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men; the idea that it’s actually very freeing for men to let go of their cocks being at the center of the game. Men who learn to use their fingers, hands, mouths and brains in sex will be far less destabilized when erectile difficulties crop up. They know they have many tools of pleasure at the ready and they will use them rather than the alternative: avoiding sex altogether.

This is not to say there won’t be a sense of loss for many men as things in their bodies and sexual functioning change. Sometimes there is a real loss to grieve and it’s important to get support for those feelings. On some level, we all experience loss as we age and our sexual functioning changes. Rather than getting stuck in our guilt, fears, or sadness about it we can work towards embracing change and our new life stage.

I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear. This is part of the denial that fuels Viagra sales. Viagra may be right for some people in some situations, but more important is to work on what’s contributing to erectile difficulties and the feelings and reactions men and their partners have when they come up.

When a man and his partner handle erectile difficulties with grace, new ideas for pleasure open up and more sexual fulfillment is possible. Sometimes, dare I say, better than before. And sometimes, the erections come back. Win. Win. So why not tackle it head on?

What is your experience with the elusive erection? I’d love to hear you chime in on this.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, Sexual Growth, the sexually empowered life, vulnerability
Posted in Relationships, Sexual Growth, Sexual Health | No Comments »

Why Men Don’t Get Help For Sex

I was again faced with a typical scenario this past week in my work as a sex coach. I received an inquiry from a man who said he wanted help. I hesitated because I don’t really work with men and they tend to waste my time. I have a number of structures in place to assure me that someone is a good fit for me as a client way before I get on the phone with them. He went through those steps and as much as I was skeptical, and as often as men have wasted my time in the past, I went ahead and set up a get acquainted call with him.

I’m skeptical because in my experience few men will commit to working on their sexuality earnestly. In the past, all of the men who have contacted me on their own have either been creepy or ultimately flaked out. The creepy ones want some kindof sex work I do not offer. I am a coach and an educator. That’s what I do. But somehow because we put sex in my title, there is an assumption that some form of sex/phone sex will be for sale. I’ve had men come for a few coaching sessions and then disappear. The flaky ones are more hopeful because I understand some of the reasons they tend to disappear, but I get annoyed when my time is wasted. I’m clear about who I am here to serve: women and couples, in part because in my experience, men are not up for the work.

I believe that many of the men who do realize they need help and then reach out to me are fearful that they don’t know enough about sex and hate to believe they need help from a woman—a queer one at that. It’s way too much for their egos to handle. They’ve been socialized their whole lives to believe they should KNOW what to do sexually (like that just magically happens without any education), to be a total stud doing it, and to want sex and be ready for it all the time.

So maybe they realize that some part of this cultural fantasy isn’t working for them and they decide to reach out to me for coaching. But when I take them seriously, and it comes time to get to work, they run, because it’s far too confronting. They can’t handle that level of vulnerability.

So I don’t know what happened with the guy last week. His concerns seemed legit enough. He called to check in the day before our appointment and then totally skipped out on it with no correspondence at all. I also find that an interesting pattern. When women cancel an appointment, they usually let me know.

I’m not saying I won’t work with men, yet. I know there are special men out there who want to do the work on themselves to have a more satisfying sex life and to heal their wounds. Whether they’ll find me and commit to working on it is another story. The best male clients are usually the ones who come with their partners to work together. Maybe somehow, that is safer for them.

Mostly, I just find it sad that for so many men, their own socialization and deep-seated wounds or misconceptions about sex allow them to disrespect me and prevent them from getting the help they need. I  don’t take it personally. But what I do know is that if they are disrespecting me, they’ll most likely disrespect their partners.

Everyone has work to do on their sexuality at some point in their lives. I mean EVERYONE. The majority of people, certainly the majority of men, will never do it. They will stay trapped with their egos demanding an impossible performance of them.

I wrote a book for men. Sometimes books are safer. Feel free to check out Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men if you want to just dip a toe in the water. For the ones who have actually walked through the door, I have been honored. They are indeed special and unfortunately, very unusual.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, feminism, men, opening up, Sexual Growth, sexuality, unrealistic expectations, vulnerability
Posted in Sexual Growth, Sexual Politics | 3 Comments »

The Sexually Empowered Life

People are often confused by what I do when I tell them I am a Sexual Empowerment Coach and Sexuality Educator. The other day someone said, “Oh, so you do prevention?”
I smiled and explained that prevention might be one small piece of a holistic approach to sexuality, and that I’m more about creating and expanding sexuality than preventing it!

We learn to deal with sexuality in deficits. What’s not there. What we don’t have. What we can’t be. What we can’t do. What we need to stay away from. I’d like to swing the lens around 180 degrees and take a look at what we DO want. What we CAN be. What we CAN have. What we CAN do. What types of lovers we CAN draw to us. What experiences we CAN create for ourselves. How we can EXPAND who we are exponentially when we develop, nurture, heal and explore our sexuality.This week, I want to answer the question, “What does it mean to be a sexually empowered person?”

A person who is Authentically Sexually Empowered and lives their life in alignment with their Erotic Authenticity is someone who:

• Is intimately connected to their sexual self
• Identifies and experiences wants and desires without crossing the boundaries of another
• Communicates needs, wants and desires without blame or shame
• Accepts rejection without taking it personally
• Feels at home in their self and their body
• Sets authentic boundaries and means it
• Is educated about how their body, pleasure and relationships “work”
• Knows and utilizes available options for sexual expression and erotic experience
• Feels fully sexually expressed and when they are not in full expression, they know how to get there
• Thoughtfully explores sex and sexuality so that they can make clear distinctions about what’s right for them and what’s not
• Develops and uses skills to make pleasureful, satisfying, fulfilling sex their norm
• Forms relationships and develops intimacy that supports the highest expression of their core energy
• Expresses a range of emotions in healthy ways that do not harm themselves or others
• Identifies defense patterns in relationships and works to overcome them and replace them with healthy ways of connecting to others
• Develops healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions, grief and pain
• Engages in clean, clear communication
• Works to heal and release any shame, guilt or trauma about their sexuality
• Heals the need to be competitive with others and to release patterns of lack, deprivation and feeling like they “can’t have it all”
• Critically examines cultural messages about sexuality, gender and sex
• Rejects and challenges sexual stereotypes, assumptions, false ideas and cultural myths that hinder, impair, squash or dim their magnificent sexual self
• Identifies and experiences erotic authenticity even when socially popular ideas pressure them to do or like something else
• Explores and develops an authentic sexual identity and does not need to hide or shift that identity to feel comfortable and safe in their life
• Knows they never have to settle and that choosing one key desire and forsaking another is a false choice
• Makes authentic sexual decisions
• Experiences joy and pleasure regularly and as a norm in life
• Develops their confidence and sexual self-esteem
• Lives in alignment with their desires
• Shines their light in its full bigness & juiciness in the world
• Feels at home in themselves and moves through the world from a place of self-intimacy

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, erotic authenticity, intimacy, personal needs, pleasure, sexual empowerment, Sexual Growth, sexuality, sexually empowered life
Posted in Pleasure & Desire, Sexual Growth | 2 Comments »

Planning Makes Sex Hot

People have many myths and misunderstandings about sexuality, and in my work one of the biggest myths I’ve heard over and over about sex is that it should just “be spontaneous” or that it “should just happen.” Somehow the idea that sex shouldn’t require effort has seeped into our psyches and that idea prevents us from taking the time or energy to make it hotter, better and more fulfilling.

Some of the best sex I have ever had was planned. Whether it meant just setting aside time with my lover to devote to it so we could be present and not feel like we were squeezing it in between other things, or whether it was an elaborate, creative date that required a few errands, a few emails to entice one another or some other form of organization, in either case, a plan was required. In fact, for a creative date, sex has begun when the scheming begins and for me, that’s half the fun!

I’m often surprised by how resistant my clients and students are to this idea. I’ve noticed people sometimes get a little sad or disappointed that this is what their sex life will require if they want it to be or stay juicy. The reality is that our lives are busy and we fill up our time with things easily, so if we don’t schedule time for sex, or put a little effort into maintaining sexual connection with a lover, it just won’t happen. We will easily find other things to fill our time with.

I don’t work out if I don’t schedule it. I am not as productive with my work if I don’t schedule my tasks and work time. I don’t go see shows or have dates with friends without some scheduling, so scheduling is not the issue. Most things require some scheduling in order for them to happen.

The issue is more of an internal want for sex to magically happen and the idea that spontaneity is the key ingredient that will make it hot. Spontaneity can make it hot. But how many times did you put on some sexy undergarment or pack a sexy toy when you had a date in hopes it would involve sex? Think about how you might have flirted over dinner or even with a new acquaintance at a bar or social event in hopes of it leading to something sexual. We instill or create our sexy plans in many ways. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s sexy. It’s you taking the reins with your sexuality, getting your sexual needs met and expressing what you want.

The problem for some people is that they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know what you want, how do you get it? It’s pretty hard. I’ll save that topic for another post.

As for making sex hot, what is a want you are aware you have right now? A fantasy, a wish, or a desire of some sort? Is it clear whom you want to do it with? If so, write them an email, a text, or even better, a little note you drop in the mail, and proposition them. Send them an invitation. Tell them what you’d like to do to or with them and invite them! Or if you want to keep it more mysterious, invite them for a sexy date with you and say no more about it, except to give them three things you want them to do, bring or wear in preparation for the date. Your invitation will get their creative juices flowing as well as your own. Sexy, hot fun has begun already!

And if you want to have some sexy hot fun with yourself, all of this applies to you too. Invite yourself to a sexy date, and get a new outfit for yourself. Give yourself a delicious bath, take yourself to buy a new sex toy, stay in and use what you got, watch that new porn you just got…anything goes. Enjoy dressing up and being hot for YOU. No matter what, it starts there anyway. And if you are sharing your hotness with a lover, everyone wins.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, hot sex, planning, seduction, sex, Sexual Growth, sexuality, spontaneity
Posted in Pleasure & Desire, Relationships, Sexual Growth | No Comments »

What to do with All These Weiners?

Congressman Weiner is the center of only the latest sex scandal to grace the pages of US newspapers and give Americans (and others who love to poke fun at our sexual Puritanism) something to k’vetch about whilst diverting our attention from matters of true importance. But what is important about this phenomenon of politicians who engage in sexual dishonesty? Let’s examine this from a sex-positive, culturally critical perspective.

People act like these sex scandals are so surprising, as if by some magical transformation, just by nature of becoming a politician, people cease to be human or to live in our culture. We live in a sex-negative culture that promotes tremendously unrealistic standards for sexual desire, attraction and expression. When I say “sex-negative”, I mean that we do not see sexuality as a positive, healthy part of life and something to be expressed, but rather as something to fear, loathe, control, manipulate, suppress or use against others. We create very narrow standards for sexual conduct and guess what? We are such a diverse people, that most of us won’t be able to uphold those limited standards. Really, it’s just simple math if you think about it. And Weiner exists in this same culture and falls prey to it just like you and me.

Our culture also loves to sexually shame people and we use sexual shame as a means for gaining cultural currency. Politicians, who have many “enemies” will be obvious targets for public shamings. And we all love reading the stories and sighing about what a horrible man/father/husband/politician he is because he had sexual feelings he didn’t manage well. I’m not excusing poor behavior, but since we live in a culture that on the whole doesn’t offer many opportunities for other ways of expressing our sexuality outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage, eventually, those of us who are repressing parts of our desire or identity are going to leak it and get busted for it. It’s the way it works.

And really, is Weiner so different from most other men? He’s fascinated by his own penis and how big it is. He just took the step of photographing it and sharing it, to his detriment. Poor form for sure, but penile narcissism is nothing new.

Politicians aren’t really supposed to be sexual. They are supposed to uphold an impossible moral code and they fail over and over because it’s impossible—sexual or otherwise. They are no different from the rest of us, but because they are a public figure, they are under much more intense scrutiny and they are “supposed to know better.” Well, guess what? They don’t. And we all participate in these public shamings that not only hurt them, but hurt their partners and their families deeply. Because there is no greater place to be shamed than in your crotch. We get them where it counts and then all of their work and judgment is deemed questionable. But we breed men to be sexually demonstrative and then we tell them they’re all wrong for doing it.

While I didn’t agree with how President Clinton handled his scandal and it was obvious there were serious power differentials at work between he and Monica Lewinsky, I was grateful to know the man’s sexuality was alive. I’d much rather have the man with access to the big red button be a person who expresses his sexuality than be a repressed, suppressed sexual person who is ready to explode because he has no outlet for sexual expression. And the truth was that none of us knew what agreements he and Hilary had about their relationship. We always assume people to be monogamous because few of us talk about being otherwise. I think it’s likely they had made some agreements about extra-marital sex. But that would lower the scandal quotient so we don’t want to look at that possibility. It’s more fun to shame!

Ultimately, Weiner’s downfall, just as that of many of his peers, is his narcissism. In a position of power where the whole road is open before you and the possibilities for affecting American politics are in your reach, you think you are above the law and that the same standards don’t apply to you. You think in grandiose terms that make it hard to imagine you’d get caught doing anything wrong because you don’t even see it as wrong anymore. You are a dogooder so a little chasing of your desire is no big crime.
Think former NYS Governor Spitzer. Think Schwarznegger. There is such a long list of them at this point. We like to put these guys in their place and remind them that the same standards do apply to them. What I’d like to see us question are the standards we hold ourselves to to begin with. If we’d address sexuality as a natural and normal part of our lives, if we’d implement comprehensive sexuality education programs for all ages, if we’d make real sexuality education and therapy widely available and paid for by insurance, if we’d value all people as sexual regardless of their gender, age, race, ability level, orientation or any other characteristic, it would look really different. Until then, we’ll continue to see these scandals pop up and make a laughing stock out of politicians who should know better…but how are they to know better? They might want to start by funding comprehensive sexuality education so their kids have a fighting chance to do it differently. Since Weiner is staying in office, he’s got a great opportunity to use his voice where his penis fell a little short.

Tags: comprehensive sexuality education, Congressman Weiner, narcissism, sex scandal, sex-negativity, shadow, unrealistic expectations
Posted in Sexual Growth, Sexual Politics | No Comments »

Sexuality is About Opening Up

So many of us live in a constant state of lack. We won’t give to ourselves. We think we can’t have all we want. We think we don’t deserve it. Then we complain that we don’t have what we want and we feel deprived. Deprivation is not sexy. And it shuts us down.

Sexuality is about lushness, abundance, beauty, aliveness, fullness, expansion, desire, connection. It’s the opposite of lack and deprivation. It’s about fulfilling our desires and exploring new terrain. It’s about opening up.

But opening up is scary for most people. If we are open, we are vulnerable and our culture gives vulnerability a bad rap. Yet being vulnerable is how we grow and allow ourselves to be given to. It’s very vulnerable to allow another person to give to us. And when they are giving to our naked body and we are wide open and visible, whoah! That’s just too much for many of us! But it’s really beautiful.

We learn to cover ourselves up and not be seen. Yet we crave being seen. Who doesn’t want to be seen for who they are in the world? Most of us truly want that and it touches our hearts when we are seen.

Last week, I finished the spring semester the way I always do with my college students. Before I give them their final we have a group closure. I ask them each to speak on what they’ve learned, what’s been most important for them and what they are walking away with from my class. I also give them an opportunity to acknowledge someone in the room who might have affected them during the semester. Sometimes they acknowledge me, which is sweet, and I also really love to see them acknowledge each other. They sit in class with each other all semester, talking about personal matters and it’s beautiful to hear that you affected someone in the room. I love this ritual.

In part, it’s how I make sure I am given to on the last day. I know I affect my students and many of them make profound changes in their lives due to my class. I want to hear this. I want to know how my work is making a difference, how they are affected, so I make room for this. Many of them also want to give to me. They have things they want to say! One student made a list so he would remember everything he wanted to mention. So it’s a gift to myself and to them. I let them give to me. And giving to others makes us feel good.

They said some beautiful things. One of them called me “brave” in the most sincere way and said that my example has helped him to speak up where before he wouldn’t–to be more courageous in his own life. Wow. That one went right to my heart. It was beautiful. And you know one of the things they really speak to again and again? The way I make myself vulnerable, and “real”, the way I share myself with them. That’s what they want. That’s probably what they remember most…not which two bodily systems control the stress response.

If we don’t make ourselves vulnerable it’s hard to be given to. Sexually or otherwise. If you are guarded, how much love, affection, pleasure or adoration can really get in? How are you guarding yourself in your life and relationships? How are you keeping people away? If you want love and intimacy, this behavior is antithetical to your desire. You have to decide what’s more important. Do you want to really be loved and nourished and devoured, or do you want to be guarded and safe and distant? Sometimes we need the guard, but we often pull it out when we don’t. Let yourself be seen.

I’ll take the gooey. The warm fuzzies. The openness. No topic is too taboo. No sexual desire is unspeakable. I’m here for the exploration. I’m here to open. I work on doing that every day. I encourage you to meet life in this way and to hold your vulnerabilities as gifts and as tools for your own blooming.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, courage, deprivation, opening up, sexuality, vulnerability
Posted in Pleasure & Desire, Relationships, Sexual Growth | No Comments »