New York State passed a law making marriage between two people of the same sex legal on Friday, June 24, just in time for New York’s biggest gay celebration of the year, and one of the biggest Pride events in the world. This has been a long road and finally we had a governor who took a strong stand for gay rights in New York and hopefully other states will take our lead and end their institutionalized apartheid.

But what does this really mean? Is it all that important? Why do the gay folks even want to be a part of an “institution” that the heterosexuals can’t seem to manage worth a darn?

It is important but it’s not the end-all-be-all of gay liberation. It’s a beginning.

We all need sexual liberation. We need liberation from many things. I actually think we need to be liberated from marriage, not trapped in it, but I think the latter is the more common, which is why the divorce rate is so high. Our entire approach to relationships needs to shift. I believe wholeheartedly that relationships are our greatest teachers. I’ve been working on my relationship PhD since before my own divorce! I intentionally call it a “divorce” because that word helps people understand the depth of the split, although we were not officially married, domesticated partners, or civilly unionized. What I’ve learned in my own divorce has been tremendous and is already helping me to help others in their own relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for celebrating love. I love that gay and lesbian couples for which actual legal marriage is important can have it in my home state of New York. They should be able to have that. But I have never felt a need to have my nation state put their stamp of approval and validation on my personal, intimate relationship. It is an “institution” which has a history that is largely economic and that was a system for ownership of women. Why do I want that? I can have my own damn celebration without their piece of paper should I want to. But rights are rights and they are supposed to be fair, right?

There are so many rights people automatically get because they become married to another human being. People who are single really get the shaft on this one, and given they (we) have to do everything themselves without the help of someone else, it’s single folks who deserve more tax breaks and assistance. But our system isn’t fair and neither are relationships.

It’s a romantic myth that we can achieve equality. Even in the most equitable intimate relationships, equality does not exist. Each person brings something different to the relationship and we can be grateful for that and hope that it feels mutually satisfying and equitable, but it will never be equal. If we can’t do that one-on-one, how can we expect it from our statehood?

It will be lawyers, wedding planners, bakeries, florists, churches, event locations, chefs, ministers, and accountants that will benefit most from the gay marriage boon. This should be really good for the New York State economy! Obama might consider that as an economic strategy.

And now what? Let this open the door to working on achieving even more important aims for the L/G/B/T community, like parent protections and rights, medical care management and being able to visit our partners and loved ones in the hospital when they are “chosen family” and not “blood family”, safety from violence on our streets and in schools, freedom to express our gender however we want and access to sensitive, competent healthcare for all gendered people, getting our gay and transgender teens off the streets and lowering the outrageous homeless rate (40% of homeless teens are on the streets because of being kicked out or facing homophobia at home), custody rights for gay men, lesbians and transgender people, protection from job discrimination…there are so many more issues that affect our quality of life and livelihood.

This is a door. Let’s walk through it and open the many more doors that lie beyond it. Let’s be joyful for this important moment and then let’s get back to work to take the next steps towards protecting everyone on our communities, including those who want to marry and those of us who don’t.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, gay marriage, Gay Pride, gay rights, homophobia, L/G/B/T/Q, New York, Queer, Relationships, same-sex marriage, sexual liberation, Sexual Politics
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What to do with All These Weiners?

Congressman Weiner is the center of only the latest sex scandal to grace the pages of US newspapers and give Americans (and others who love to poke fun at our sexual Puritanism) something to k’vetch about whilst diverting our attention from matters of true importance. But what is important about this phenomenon of politicians who engage in sexual dishonesty? Let’s examine this from a sex-positive, culturally critical perspective.

People act like these sex scandals are so surprising, as if by some magical transformation, just by nature of becoming a politician, people cease to be human or to live in our culture. We live in a sex-negative culture that promotes tremendously unrealistic standards for sexual desire, attraction and expression. When I say “sex-negative”, I mean that we do not see sexuality as a positive, healthy part of life and something to be expressed, but rather as something to fear, loathe, control, manipulate, suppress or use against others. We create very narrow standards for sexual conduct and guess what? We are such a diverse people, that most of us won’t be able to uphold those limited standards. Really, it’s just simple math if you think about it. And Weiner exists in this same culture and falls prey to it just like you and me.

Our culture also loves to sexually shame people and we use sexual shame as a means for gaining cultural currency. Politicians, who have many “enemies” will be obvious targets for public shamings. And we all love reading the stories and sighing about what a horrible man/father/husband/politician he is because he had sexual feelings he didn’t manage well. I’m not excusing poor behavior, but since we live in a culture that on the whole doesn’t offer many opportunities for other ways of expressing our sexuality outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage, eventually, those of us who are repressing parts of our desire or identity are going to leak it and get busted for it. It’s the way it works.

And really, is Weiner so different from most other men? He’s fascinated by his own penis and how big it is. He just took the step of photographing it and sharing it, to his detriment. Poor form for sure, but penile narcissism is nothing new.

Politicians aren’t really supposed to be sexual. They are supposed to uphold an impossible moral code and they fail over and over because it’s impossible—sexual or otherwise. They are no different from the rest of us, but because they are a public figure, they are under much more intense scrutiny and they are “supposed to know better.” Well, guess what? They don’t. And we all participate in these public shamings that not only hurt them, but hurt their partners and their families deeply. Because there is no greater place to be shamed than in your crotch. We get them where it counts and then all of their work and judgment is deemed questionable. But we breed men to be sexually demonstrative and then we tell them they’re all wrong for doing it.

While I didn’t agree with how President Clinton handled his scandal and it was obvious there were serious power differentials at work between he and Monica Lewinsky, I was grateful to know the man’s sexuality was alive. I’d much rather have the man with access to the big red button be a person who expresses his sexuality than be a repressed, suppressed sexual person who is ready to explode because he has no outlet for sexual expression. And the truth was that none of us knew what agreements he and Hilary had about their relationship. We always assume people to be monogamous because few of us talk about being otherwise. I think it’s likely they had made some agreements about extra-marital sex. But that would lower the scandal quotient so we don’t want to look at that possibility. It’s more fun to shame!

Ultimately, Weiner’s downfall, just as that of many of his peers, is his narcissism. In a position of power where the whole road is open before you and the possibilities for affecting American politics are in your reach, you think you are above the law and that the same standards don’t apply to you. You think in grandiose terms that make it hard to imagine you’d get caught doing anything wrong because you don’t even see it as wrong anymore. You are a dogooder so a little chasing of your desire is no big crime.
Think former NYS Governor Spitzer. Think Schwarznegger. There is such a long list of them at this point. We like to put these guys in their place and remind them that the same standards do apply to them. What I’d like to see us question are the standards we hold ourselves to to begin with. If we’d address sexuality as a natural and normal part of our lives, if we’d implement comprehensive sexuality education programs for all ages, if we’d make real sexuality education and therapy widely available and paid for by insurance, if we’d value all people as sexual regardless of their gender, age, race, ability level, orientation or any other characteristic, it would look really different. Until then, we’ll continue to see these scandals pop up and make a laughing stock out of politicians who should know better…but how are they to know better? They might want to start by funding comprehensive sexuality education so their kids have a fighting chance to do it differently. Since Weiner is staying in office, he’s got a great opportunity to use his voice where his penis fell a little short.

Tags: comprehensive sexuality education, Congressman Weiner, narcissism, sex scandal, sex-negativity, shadow, unrealistic expectations
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How to Make Your Own Rapture

Okay, so there was all this hype about a Rapture that was to happen on May 21, and how the world was going to end and all the sinners would suffer and the rest of the folks I guess, would float up to the heavens forever protected and loved by GOD. So in preparation I put on some Blondie, got my groove on, and fantasized about how I’d celebrate this momentous event. I’m pleased to report that the Rapture indeed did happen.

Dictionary.com defines “Rapture” as:

1. ecstatic joy or delight; joyful ecstasy.

2. an utterance or expression of ecstatic delight.

3. the carrying of a person to another place or sphere of existence.¹

Wow, all three sound delicious, don’t they? I like number 1 and number 3 especially. I am so down with joyful ecstasy.

I think the fundamentalist believers in original sin are really missing a few important stitches in the frock here. One is that there is no heaven or hell that is separate from us here on earth. Hell is here baby. Heaven is here. It’s wishful thinking that if we are just really “good” that GOD, like a Santa Claus in the sky, is going to come and take us somewhere beautiful where we’ll never have to hurt again and all of our needs will be taken care of.

We are here to learn to take care of our own needs and to love ourselves. I think these are two of our most fundamental tasks. These two critical developmental milestones take some people lifetimes to figure out. It’s a big painful puzzle that no one else can be expected to put together for you. You have to do it yourself.

Another critical piece of this is that we have been given all the gifts we need to create our own rapturous state, to connect to ecstatic joy, and to carry ourselves to another place of existence. And guess what? We do that right here on planet earth. The energy we use to do all of these things is our core sexual energy. We all have it. It’s powerful. It is, by nature, creative. It’s gorgeous. You are your own rapture. I am my own rapture. How you live your life can be full of rapture and pleasure, or it can be barren and dull, or angry and cruel. Your choice.

But our choices are scary for us sometimes. That we have that much possibility to create pleasure-full lives scares the living daylights out of us. And think about that phrase, “the living daylights”—our life force gets dimmed. We get scared and small or dark and depressed when we cannot handle this much power. I don’t know about you, but I’m choosing rapture. I want the pleasure-full life.

I went to an adult play event this past weekend when the Rapture was supposed to happen. I’m proud to report, it did. At this event, grown adults created a playful space that is creative, sexy, fun, and pleasure-full. It is so healing. I wish everyone could experience something like that, where a community of people come together to create pleasure and beauty and ecstasy on their own terms without apology, guilt or shame. That is rapture. Inspired and full of life.

We can create rapture all the time if we want. We just need to connect to that awesome sexual energy and decide how we want to use it. It’s the same energy we use to make art, to write, to have babies, to have sex, to love, to connect to our own divinity, to create community, to cook a delicious meal. We can connect to our sexual energy in myriad ways that make our lives feel like heaven every day. Heaven is right here. You don’t have to be saved by some old guy with a beard to have heaven. This is it.

How are you creating rapture in your world? What feels like heaven to you? I hope you are creating it and celebrating it with a silly grin and enjoying every step. You are just that powerful and pleasure is your birthright.

¹ Retrieved from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rapture on May 23, 2011.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, developmental tasks, fulfillment, God, joyful existence, pleasure, rapture, sexuality
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Sex, Church & Nation State

Attacks on reproductive rights are attacks on sexuality. Frankly, I’m tired of a small anti-sex, anti-pleasure, anti-life minority imposing their outrageous sex-negative views on the rest of us.

One only needs to visit the Indian temples of Khajaraho depicting ornate explicitly erotic scenes of all types of fornication and sexual expression, or Roman art depicting stories of sex, power, Gods and Goddesses to know that religion & culture did not always divorce themselves from sex, eroticism and pleasure. Indeed, I’d say they were once widely viewed as congruent or complimentary expressions of divinity. How did we get to a place where we are so disconnected from this core power?

I believe religious fundamentalists see sexuality as a threat because, by nature, a sexually-free person is a free-thinking person. That flies against the conformity that is demanded by a fundamentalist approach to religion, an approach that thinks the structure for life has already been created and we just fit our individual journeys into that life, rather than thinking we are each co-creating our reality with the divine as we go. I subscribe to the latter approach.

Sex is and can be free—so it’s an experience that anyone can experience regardless of class. For young people in general, sexual exploration is a pretty fundamental vehicle for individuation and developing a self-identity, independent of parents who otherwise have power over us.

For all of us, sexuality has an enormous capacity to fuel our creativity and self-expression. And no matter the state of our financial security, home life, job stress or potential to experience a “natural disaster”, sex allows us to feel pleasure and joy.

So why would we want to suffocate this fundamental individual power, pleasure and creative outlet? Do we want to feel guilty? Or believe we shouldn’t have carte blanche to have that much fun?

I don’t think conservative religious zealots want people to have independent doses of unregulated fun. Attacking our reproductive rights is the easiest way to attack our sexual freedom and commitment to pleasure. It promotes a sex-negative ideology that refuses to see sexuality as a healthy, normal, and natural part of one’s life. It pushes the idea that we should be punished for having fun by being forced to have unwanted children. And of course, the children are punished more than anyone. This ideology seeks to control our self-expression and pursuit of happiness. I’m fed up with it.

We are entitled to feel pleasure and joy in our bodies and sexual expression in our relationships. Everyone is entitled to the pursuit of happiness. Our sexuality is a fundamental way we experience pleasure and joy in our lives. Some kinds of sex can leave us with infections. Some can result in an unplanned pregnancy, even if we did our best to prevent it. It’s a part of life. It’s a situation where people are confronted with challenging decisions about the course of their lives, which are difficult enough without also feeling punished for participating in a natural pleasureful and joy-seeking act or even, gasp! an act of love.

Stop attacking reproductive rights. It’s a fundamentally obtuse attack on women since we bear the brunt of the responsibility for an unplanned pregnancy and more easily get infected with STIs. It’s also an attack on sexuality. I am a sexually expressive person and proud of it. I help other people have deeper, better sexual experiences and relationships. The sex industry’s annual revenue figures attest to how much we want to experience free expression of our sexuality. My clients attest to this. I think conservatives don’t like the idea that they can’t control this wildness in us. They’ll do all they can to cinch it, regulate it, and control it. Fundamentally, that begins with women. We absolutely have to demand an end to this tyranny over our sexual and by association, reproductive lives.

And this outrageous marriage of christianity and our nation state needs to stop. We are funding a religious agenda rather than a public health agenda in a pluralist society. Maybe sexuality is my church. It’s my personal journey, my erotic life, my locus of creation and connection, my divinity. You want to be free to practice your spiritual path? Well so do I! As an alive, joyous, sexual being, capable of tremendous pleasure and creativity. If we all tapped into that on a deep level, I truly believe wars would end, violence would be obsolete and the world would really begin to know peace.

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