Release Sexual Shame and Blockages: Sexually Empowered Life Step 2

It’s virtually impossible to grow up in a culture like ours, which treats sexuality as taboo, something to be afraid of, or something to avoid, without experiencing sexual shame. At some point in our lives, we all take in messages of shame about our sexuality, our sexual body, our sexual responses and desire, our experiences or lack of experiences, our gender and identity, or other aspects of who we have been or who we are as sexual people.

That shame is tremendously powerful and it isolates you and makes you do anything you can to never feel that way again. It comes from all directions: from your family, friends or peers, church, synagogue or temple, from the media. As you are molded to be a certain kind of sexual being (or even a non-sexual being), if you divert from cultural standards and expectations, you are questioned, and sometimes feel a sense of guilt for what you have done or not done, or shame for who you are.

I was shamed by my mother for touching my genitals when I was 8 years old and that kept me from touching my genitals, masturbating, or otherwise exploring my body until college! For 10 years, I internalized all kinds of messages about my genitals and what it meant to be curious about them. Shame is powerful.

Maybe you got caught masturbating, playing childhood games, exploring your body, or playing make-believe in ways that made the adults around you feel uncomfortable. They may have even come from a good place of wanting to protect you, yet the result was your being humiliated by them, which can turn into a deep sense of shame for who you are.

    Sex is so personal that it’s the most painful place a person can be shamed. There is a new term being used, “Slut shaming” where teenaged girls are being shamed for their sexual expression or assumed sexual experiences. This has become more commonplace with the internet being such a convenient way to harass someone. Shame affects everyone, but it especially affects those of us who do not fit the dominant norms of our culture. So gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are easy targets, as are sexually expressed/powerful women and girls.

   Many shaming experiences happen so quickly you hardly know what happened, but the result can be years of feeling bad. If a peer who you respect asserts that she doesn’t do such-and-such kind of sex, or that only “sluts” would do that, you become red in the face if you are the “slut” who has done that.

Shame is often tied up in people’s experiences with abuse: a victim of abuse might be humiliated as part of the abuse, and told that they deserve it for some reason. They might walk away holding so much shame for what happened that they never tell anyone, or they do tell and the person they confided in blames them for what happened or questions them in a way that shames them all over again.

The thing about shame is that it exists and becomes bigger in isolation. So the more you keep it to yourself, the more it can overcome you and the more painful it gets. Shame is never good for sexuality. It serves to keep you feeling small, staying in line, acting small or outside of what you would authentically do, feeling undeserving, and it keeps you disconnected from others who can support you and help you escape it.

 We all have experiences of shame to work through  at some point relating to our sexuality. Sometimes it comes later as you age and have shameful feelings about how your body and sexual responses are changing. To live a sexually empowered life, you need to directly work on your internal shame that keeps you from being the fully actualized sexual person you are meant to be.

I am constantly helping my clients look at their shameful places and work on releasing the shame that holds them back. Quietly holding onto shame does not serve your sexual growth-it only serves to limit who you are or believe you can be. The antidote to shame is compassion, according to Brené Brown, so creating situations where we can speak our shame and be received in a place of compassion and empathy is one of the ways to let it go.

And if you are making decisions based on feeling shame, or fear of future shame, that’s a sign it’s time to look at how shame is getting in the way of you living your life and being who you want to be.

Releasing sexual shame and blockages is the second step of my “9 Steps to a Sexually Empowered Life”, a dynamic process I use in my private coaching and in my Women’s Sexually Empowered Life program. For more information about working with me, go here.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, Sexual Growth, sexuality, shame, vulnerability
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When Erections Are Elusive

It’s the big unspoken secret.

There is a real sadness many men (and their partners) have about the waning state of their erections, be it due to aging or other challenges in their relationships. Many men will blow it off by feigning a new disinterest in sex. And some really are less interested than ever before with many biochemical and emotional changes at work.

Sometimes men begin to avoid sexual situations all together because they fear embarrassment, more shame, and guilt that they can’t please their partner the way they think he or she wants to be pleased. That potential humiliation is enough to shut a man down sexually. And if he shuts down, often, his partner will shut down too. And that’s really no fun. The partner may also feel angry, frustrated, lonely and resentful towards him for abandoning their sexual life, wanting some of that juicy sexiness back. And there is no reason why you can’t reclaim it.

For many men, their sexual prowess is built on having big erections and hard cocks with which to please their partners. When their erections become elusive, a deep shame can creep in that separates a man from his partner and inhibits sex. The really sad part is that this situation could do just the opposite and bring lovers closer together if they are able to communicate honestly and create solutions.

My co-author Kurt Brungardt and I wrote about this in Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men; the idea that it’s actually very freeing for men to let go of their cocks being at the center of the game. Men who learn to use their fingers, hands, mouths and brains in sex will be far less destabilized when erectile difficulties crop up. They know they have many tools of pleasure at the ready and they will use them rather than the alternative: avoiding sex altogether.

This is not to say there won’t be a sense of loss for many men as things in their bodies and sexual functioning change. Sometimes there is a real loss to grieve and it’s important to get support for those feelings. On some level, we all experience loss as we age and our sexual functioning changes. Rather than getting stuck in our guilt, fears, or sadness about it we can work towards embracing change and our new life stage.

I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear. This is part of the denial that fuels Viagra sales. Viagra may be right for some people in some situations, but more important is to work on what’s contributing to erectile difficulties and the feelings and reactions men and their partners have when they come up.

When a man and his partner handle erectile difficulties with grace, new ideas for pleasure open up and more sexual fulfillment is possible. Sometimes, dare I say, better than before. And sometimes, the erections come back. Win. Win. So why not tackle it head on?

What is your experience with the elusive erection? I’d love to hear you chime in on this.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, Sexual Growth, the sexually empowered life, vulnerability
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The Vulnerability of Healing

The day before my surgery, I got a Facebook note from Jr. High/High School friend, saying “It sounds like you are preparing for the worst. You are going to be okay!”

My Sexy Nurses! This put a smile on my face!

I was confused by this because I believed that I was preparing for the BEST.

I went back through my Facebook posts to see what would make him think this. I couldn’t see it. Then a close friend called to say how it’s been wonderful for her to watch my process and the way I’ve shared it. I realized that was it.

Most people are not open about health and processes of healing. We’ve been taught that these are private matters. They are also a place of extreme vulnerability and most people do not want to be that vulnerable, be seen as vulnerable, or even know how to be.

I have worked very hard to be comfortable with vulnerability and to be able to share myself in a real way with people. I see my vulnerability as one of my best strengths and I am surprised when people don’t see it. I consciously use self-disclosure as a teaching tool and there is vulnerability there that my students appreciate and learn from.

I’m proud of how I have opened myself up in my process of deciding about and planning my myomectomy. I wish more people would not isolate themselves with their health issues. I know someone who is dying right now and is not taking visitors for the most part. I know someone else who passed away this year and her death opened her up to invite people to witness her vulnerability in a way she’d never been able to. I can’t pretend to know what the twilight of my life will feel like, but I’m gonna’ guess I’ll want the people who love me close.

My Healing Wall

For my surgery, I have been open with my loved ones. I have written emails sharing what this decision is about and what I need with my close circle of friends. One friend offered to arrange a care and healing schedule, to which I said yes. This took pressure off of me to be managing visitor logistics or being the one to say when visits would be too much. She put this schedule into a grid and posted it to Google Docs where my friends could take a look at it and add themselves to it for caretaking shifts. It has filled in beautifully. Two friends stayed overnight with me in the hospital, others offered round-the-clock visits bearing gifts of coconut water and miso soup. I’ve had visitors caring for me and cooking healthy food every day for the first week I was home until I actually just wanted to be alone to collect myself!

This would not have happened without my leadership. I outlined my needs and wants ahead of time so people knew what I needed. I walked towards this surgery and the removal of unwanted tumors seeing the opportunity to let go of things I don’t need—physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I mentally and spiritually prepared myself and surrounded myself with care and love. I would want that for anyone. Vanity, pride, vulnerability and fear often get in the way of inviting others to come with us on such journeys. I’m not interested in organizing my life this way or in feeling I ever have to do it alone.

As I have gotten older, I’ve realized it is these journeys that are the significant markers and touchstones of our lives. They ARE the journey. Each time a crisis, a health issue, a big change, or shocking, hurtful event happens, we are issued an opportunity for transformation. What a magical place to be witnessed.

And by allowing my friends and chosen family to be with me to take care of food and logistics, to love me and be present with me, I have freed myself up to do not only my physical healing, but also my emotional and spiritual internal work that is such an important part of this process. If I don’t, the tumors could come back. And I’m determined not to allow that to happen.

The people who love me want to be there and be a part of my healing. By offering them the opportunity, I allow them to be closer to me, and to shine a light on any part of themselves that sees a need for “going it alone.” And I didn’t have to.

Like I said, I expected the BEST. And I got it.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, growth in relationship, healing, intimacy, Relationships, uterine fibroids, vulnerability
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Coming Out About Uterine Fibroids

Bringing the Peace & Passion back to my Belly!

About 4 years ago I had an ovarian cyst burst. It was a painful 24 hours. At my primary care provider’s suggestion, I went in for an ultrasound to make sure there were no other problems with my ovaries that we should know about. My ovaries were fine. But we learned that I had 4 small fibroids growing on my uterus.

At first they were small and seemingly inconsequential. Over the last four years, 4 small fibroids turned into 9 fibroids of varying sizes with the largest one weighing in at 10 cm x 11 cm. My uterus is now the size of one 4 months pregnant.

I have experienced many unfortunate symptoms while these benign tumors have grown in my womb. They are often painful—a high frequency pulsating pain. I developed hemorrhoids because of them. They’ve caused certain sexual positions to be painful. They take up a fair amount of abdominal real estate, so frequent urination is not uncommon. There were a few times when they were pushing hard right up against my urethra, pinching it so I could not urinate. I remember rushing home and running upstairs having to pee really badly one day and nothing would come out, not a drop. I had a moment of panic and thought about what could be happening. Thankfully, I know my anatomy. I got in the bathtub, reached inside my vagina, and moved my cervix with my fingers, which moved my uterus away from my urethra and the floodgates were opened. Holy relief! This happened a couple of times in public places and let me tell you, that was not cute in public restrooms.

The worst part has been my extremely heavy periods and tremendous blood loss each month. This blood loss culminated with 13 days of heavy bleeding in June that left me at my edge, and it was then that I made the decision to take these suckers out. And I mean suckers. They are sucking my blood, my life force, my energy. I have been so depleted and am now anemic. I decided that was it. I’m done with them. I’ve tried dietary changes, avoiding hormones in my diet—do you know how hard that is? I’ve tried herbs and acupuncture, castor oil packs, visualization, energy work. I gave it a really good go. I do believe there is a place for Western medicine and the other stuff didn’t work and I’m tired of living with them so now I’ve got a surgeon I feel confident about.

What has been astounding to me is how many women have fibroids and how little we know about them. Women don’t talk about them. Once I started sharing that I had them, so many women said, “Oh yeah, me too.” “I had the surgery last year.” “I hate my periods.” It seemed like everyone around me was affected. It is estimated that anywhere from 20% to 80% of women will get fibroids. From my little friendly poll, I’m guessing that 20% is a tremendous underestimate. And if it is close to 80%, that’s epidemic. Women usually get them in their late 30s and 40s and they still can’t figure out what causes them. WTF?

We don’t need to be silent about our health. We actually need to speak openly about it so others can learn, get information and so that we can get the support we need. I’m having a myomectomy on Monday morning. Feel free to send your healing energy. I’ll share more next week about how I’ve approached my care because I believe I have done it well and many of us need to learn how to ask for what we need when we need special care. It is a skill I have really worked on developing.

Good bye fibroids. Thanks for coming to teach me some important stuff. Now you can go. And take all the old crap I’m shedding emotionally and spiritually with you. Please. I don’t need it anymore.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, coming out, healthcare support, myomectomy, Sexual Health, uterine fibroids, womb
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