Workshops
Dirty Talk Olympics with Reid Mihalko at Poly Living
I had a fabulous sex positive weekend! Friday night I attended the fundraiser for Sex Work Awareness (SWA). My good friend Reid Mihalko did a little sex ed stand-up on deep throating—demonstrated on bananas by audience volunteers. His was among an array of other performances, including some sexy burlesque, hot gay spoken word, Grey Dancer’s beautiful rope tying, and an inspiring opening talk about the history of the Speak Up Media Training by SWA founder Audacia Ray.
Saturday morning, after digging my car out of the ubiquitous Brooklyn snow, I drove down to Philadelphia with Reid Mihalko for a quick sex educator’s adventure at the Poly Living conference. I presented for the first time on breaking-up, a workshop called, “Relation Transformation: How to Break-Up With Grace,” and I hosted my self-created, and, if I do say so, *fabulously fun* event, “The Dirty Talk Olympics.”
As sometimes happens when teaching something new, something that has not yet grown legs, I decided when people were being pokey after lunch that no one was coming. Who wants to talk about break-ups? Downer at a poly conference, right? Wrong, apparently. About 25 people showed up and we had a heartful talk about how to approach break-ups, including how to change our language around them, how to create rituals and how to use gratitude, blessing and community to our healing advantage. We really only scratched the surface and the participants were more than willing to offer up their do’s and don’ts and stories and musings on what helps us to be graceful in the transitions our relationships will inevitably sustain. I felt filled by the conversation and hopeful that many thinking people want to do relation transformation in positive ways, thoughtfully.
The truth is that we do break-ups the way we do relationships. If we do our relationships dishonestly, we’ll do our break-up without integrity. If we communicate well and include our partner in our difficulties in relationship, we’ll find a way to do that when we break-up. We had a little debate about whether two people ever really break-up together. One man said, “Isn’t there always one person who initiates it?” Sure, often there is, but I think it can be mutually discussed and we can intentionally decide HOW we want to break-up, break-out or cause a break-through. But we have to involve the other and set that intention. Too often, we get out in sneaky, duplicitous ways and we hurt our beloved unnecessarily. I agree that sometimes we are not on the same page, but we can still break-up with a tremendous amount of respect and integrity. Mine lacked that. I am grateful still since it’s been a lesson of a lifetime and is resulting in huge break-throughs for me, but my house of 9 years got burnt to the ground and that was sadly unnecessary. I’m still clearing out the ash.
The Gold and Silver medal winners at the Dirty Talk Olympics, Poly Living Conference
On the more playful tip, “The Dirty Talk Olympics” is an event I concocted to assist people to play and take risks around erotic language in a way that is low-pressure and high fun. It’s really beautiful for me to watch people let go of inhibitions and be open to exploration—I mean that’s what makes for great sexually expansive experiences, right? So with DTO, we all co-create a show that allows us to play and enjoy and I get to be funny and punchy as the Emcee, and the walls come down and people expose things that are often kept buried. There was one couple outside deciding whether to go home or stay as they inched towards their coats. Reid and I got them to come on in and play. One of them ended up with the special award for the night, and the other ended up improv-ing a hot group sex scene in a sandbox, which won the Gold! It was sexy and fun. I do it again in two weeks at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire in Washington DC. Can’t wait to see what will be next. As long as they talk dirty to me, I’ll be happy.
Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, break-ups, Dirty Talk Olympics, grace, healthy relationships, Poly Living conference, Reid Mihalko
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A New Year’s Ritual
We have many ways of marking our lives in meaningful ways. As a ritualist, I find ways to ritualize many things in my life and relationships. I find the New Year to be an introspective holiday, although a good party is definitely welcome fun! As the year comes to a close, might I suggest that you find a way to ritualize it for yourself and make it meaningful on an internal level. If you have a partner, good friend or group of people you’d like to share this with, community is wonderful to include in such introspection. That might mean taking a walk in nature and revisiting the important, difficult and memorable moments of your year. It might mean doing some writing to take stock of it’s gifts, bid it farewell, and open to the coming year. It might mean sitting in meditation and allowing what needs to come through to reveal itself. However you celebrate and however hard you party, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your life and all of its gifts as the year turns.
I do not suggest resolutions. Goals are great, but make them things you are really ready to commit to in the new year. If they include things like losing weight, working out, or communicating better, be sure you are clear about just how far you can realistically take that goal this year. When we set the bar too high, we end up feeling bad about ourselves when we aren’t able to meet it.
Here is a little ritual you can try for yourself alone, or with friends:
New Year’s Ritual
1. Create an altar–use some special cloth and place a few special items, photos, art or whatever you want to make the altar special. Anything goes.
2. Each person brings a candle to represent illumination of what needs light at this time in life.
3. Welcome the participants and/or spirits if you believe they are there with you.
4. Each person names one energy they are welcoming into their life as they light their candle. (love, peace of mind, a new relationship/job/project, clarity, financial abundance, etc.) Go around the circle and have each person do this.
5. Take time to meditate on the last year. Some questions to ponder:
- What are you grateful for in 2010?
- What was magical about 2010?
- How did you grow?
- Think about your growth in the following areas: physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, spiritually, sexually, financially, and socially. How do you envision yourself in each area in the coming year?
- What are you ready to let go of and leave in 2010?
- What do you want to invite into your life in 2011?
- What have you learned from this past year or what insights do you have about it?
- What do you want to see in the world in the coming year? How will you work towards that goal?
You can do this in silence or with music and it might help to say the questions out loud if you are with others to guide them, or to write them down where people can see them. If you choose to guide others in meditation be sure to go slowly and give them time to take in and meditate on each question or piece of guidance.
6. Free write your insights. Take time to write these things down once you have meditated on these questions.
7. If in a group, each person can take time to share what they’d like to share. Ask them to include at least one wish bigger than themselves, more of a humanity or worldly wish.
8. Take a moment of silence at the end to consciously let all of what was said have space to settle into your cells and your consciousness. Breathe it into your body and mind.
9. Each person can blow or snuff out their candle, noting one thing they leave in 2010.
10. If you are with yourself, look in the mirror and offer yourself love and grace for your incoming year. If you are with others, take turns looking into each other’s eyes to silently offer wishes of growth, abundance and joy for the year.
11. End with a song, quote, prayer or some other form of closure.
12. Send me your insights, or post comments here. I’d love to hear from you.
If you would like to join me in person for a little bit of a different ritual, I am hosting Manifesting the Life You Want: A New Year’s Ritual & Workshop on Saturday, January 8. We will actually make a collage as we envision our new year. It will be part meditation, visioning, creation, ritual and community. I hope to see some of you New Yorkers there.
However you choose to honor it, may you have a blessed and abundantly joyful New Year! Happy 2011!
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