When Erections Are Elusive

It’s the big unspoken secret.

There is a real sadness many men (and their partners) have about the waning state of their erections, be it due to aging or other challenges in their relationships. Many men will blow it off by feigning a new disinterest in sex. And some really are less interested than ever before with many biochemical and emotional changes at work.

Sometimes men begin to avoid sexual situations all together because they fear embarrassment, more shame, and guilt that they can’t please their partner the way they think he or she wants to be pleased. That potential humiliation is enough to shut a man down sexually. And if he shuts down, often, his partner will shut down too. And that’s really no fun. The partner may also feel angry, frustrated, lonely and resentful towards him for abandoning their sexual life, wanting some of that juicy sexiness back. And there is no reason why you can’t reclaim it.

For many men, their sexual prowess is built on having big erections and hard cocks with which to please their partners. When their erections become elusive, a deep shame can creep in that separates a man from his partner and inhibits sex. The really sad part is that this situation could do just the opposite and bring lovers closer together if they are able to communicate honestly and create solutions.

My co-author Kurt Brungardt and I wrote about this in Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men; the idea that it’s actually very freeing for men to let go of their cocks being at the center of the game. Men who learn to use their fingers, hands, mouths and brains in sex will be far less destabilized when erectile difficulties crop up. They know they have many tools of pleasure at the ready and they will use them rather than the alternative: avoiding sex altogether.

This is not to say there won’t be a sense of loss for many men as things in their bodies and sexual functioning change. Sometimes there is a real loss to grieve and it’s important to get support for those feelings. On some level, we all experience loss as we age and our sexual functioning changes. Rather than getting stuck in our guilt, fears, or sadness about it we can work towards embracing change and our new life stage.

I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear. This is part of the denial that fuels Viagra sales. Viagra may be right for some people in some situations, but more important is to work on what’s contributing to erectile difficulties and the feelings and reactions men and their partners have when they come up.

When a man and his partner handle erectile difficulties with grace, new ideas for pleasure open up and more sexual fulfillment is possible. Sometimes, dare I say, better than before. And sometimes, the erections come back. Win. Win. So why not tackle it head on?

What is your experience with the elusive erection? I’d love to hear you chime in on this.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, Sexual Growth, the sexually empowered life, vulnerability
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Planning Makes Sex Hot

People have many myths and misunderstandings about sexuality, and in my work one of the biggest myths I’ve heard over and over about sex is that it should just “be spontaneous” or that it “should just happen.” Somehow the idea that sex shouldn’t require effort has seeped into our psyches and that idea prevents us from taking the time or energy to make it hotter, better and more fulfilling.

Some of the best sex I have ever had was planned. Whether it meant just setting aside time with my lover to devote to it so we could be present and not feel like we were squeezing it in between other things, or whether it was an elaborate, creative date that required a few errands, a few emails to entice one another or some other form of organization, in either case, a plan was required. In fact, for a creative date, sex has begun when the scheming begins and for me, that’s half the fun!

I’m often surprised by how resistant my clients and students are to this idea. I’ve noticed people sometimes get a little sad or disappointed that this is what their sex life will require if they want it to be or stay juicy. The reality is that our lives are busy and we fill up our time with things easily, so if we don’t schedule time for sex, or put a little effort into maintaining sexual connection with a lover, it just won’t happen. We will easily find other things to fill our time with.

I don’t work out if I don’t schedule it. I am not as productive with my work if I don’t schedule my tasks and work time. I don’t go see shows or have dates with friends without some scheduling, so scheduling is not the issue. Most things require some scheduling in order for them to happen.

The issue is more of an internal want for sex to magically happen and the idea that spontaneity is the key ingredient that will make it hot. Spontaneity can make it hot. But how many times did you put on some sexy undergarment or pack a sexy toy when you had a date in hopes it would involve sex? Think about how you might have flirted over dinner or even with a new acquaintance at a bar or social event in hopes of it leading to something sexual. We instill or create our sexy plans in many ways. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s sexy. It’s you taking the reins with your sexuality, getting your sexual needs met and expressing what you want.

The problem for some people is that they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know what you want, how do you get it? It’s pretty hard. I’ll save that topic for another post.

As for making sex hot, what is a want you are aware you have right now? A fantasy, a wish, or a desire of some sort? Is it clear whom you want to do it with? If so, write them an email, a text, or even better, a little note you drop in the mail, and proposition them. Send them an invitation. Tell them what you’d like to do to or with them and invite them! Or if you want to keep it more mysterious, invite them for a sexy date with you and say no more about it, except to give them three things you want them to do, bring or wear in preparation for the date. Your invitation will get their creative juices flowing as well as your own. Sexy, hot fun has begun already!

And if you want to have some sexy hot fun with yourself, all of this applies to you too. Invite yourself to a sexy date, and get a new outfit for yourself. Give yourself a delicious bath, take yourself to buy a new sex toy, stay in and use what you got, watch that new porn you just got…anything goes. Enjoy dressing up and being hot for YOU. No matter what, it starts there anyway. And if you are sharing your hotness with a lover, everyone wins.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, hot sex, planning, seduction, sex, Sexual Growth, sexuality, spontaneity
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The Illusion of Independence

As I wrote last week, my healing process has been really beautiful, made so by my own commitment to it, my planning and my community. But that did not come without effort and a major shift in perspective.

I am someone who had to grow up very quickly and was always super independent because I had no choice but to be. My independence became a pillar of my rebel nature and it led the way as my flashlight along a lone, dark journey.

For years I’ve been chipping away at my own façade of independence, what my mentor ALisa Starkweather would call being an “Island Woman.”

This past year, I experienced the greatest grief I’ve ever known. The day I got to the bottom of that grief, the deep darkness of the well, what I found was an overwhelming connectedness to the world’s grief. I felt oneness in a deeply meaningful way, for what experience is more human than grief and loss? We will all experience this in our lifetimes.

In healing from that loss, I could see how my independence had become a shield that protected me from really living my life. My orientation to this part of myself finally could shift in my new understanding of what interconnection really is. This was not some new-agey artificial proclamation of “we are one” but a deep knowing of a story I’ve carried in my bones and cells from my ancestors for lifetimes.

I have not been a person who easily asks for help. This has been a very hard thing for me to do in my life because I did not always get help when I really needed it. Most of us “island women” and “island men” do not want to be helped. It’s painful even to acknowledge we need it.

This illusion kept me separate and lonely in many ways in my life. I’m not interested in that anymore.

So my surgery approached and I called for help. I knew I didn’t want or need to do this alone. I made it clear I only wanted people to do it if it felt easy and good for them to. I trusted they would do what they could do. And I had to practice asking for help over and over while I was in it. From help with household tasks I could not do, to just moving from up to downstairs, opening windows, cooking and all sorts of little tasks I could not manage.

Healing and allowing others to do things for me has been a practice in humility and gratitude. I am humbled by so much love and generosity.

This is far better than the illusion of living on an island. This is living and healing in the presence and arms of real love.

If you have a thought about it, leave a comment!

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, grief, growth in relationship, healthy relationships, illusions, independence, intimacy, island man, island woman, opening up, Relationships, vulnerability
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The Vulnerability of Healing

The day before my surgery, I got a Facebook note from Jr. High/High School friend, saying “It sounds like you are preparing for the worst. You are going to be okay!”

My Sexy Nurses! This put a smile on my face!

I was confused by this because I believed that I was preparing for the BEST.

I went back through my Facebook posts to see what would make him think this. I couldn’t see it. Then a close friend called to say how it’s been wonderful for her to watch my process and the way I’ve shared it. I realized that was it.

Most people are not open about health and processes of healing. We’ve been taught that these are private matters. They are also a place of extreme vulnerability and most people do not want to be that vulnerable, be seen as vulnerable, or even know how to be.

I have worked very hard to be comfortable with vulnerability and to be able to share myself in a real way with people. I see my vulnerability as one of my best strengths and I am surprised when people don’t see it. I consciously use self-disclosure as a teaching tool and there is vulnerability there that my students appreciate and learn from.

I’m proud of how I have opened myself up in my process of deciding about and planning my myomectomy. I wish more people would not isolate themselves with their health issues. I know someone who is dying right now and is not taking visitors for the most part. I know someone else who passed away this year and her death opened her up to invite people to witness her vulnerability in a way she’d never been able to. I can’t pretend to know what the twilight of my life will feel like, but I’m gonna’ guess I’ll want the people who love me close.

My Healing Wall

For my surgery, I have been open with my loved ones. I have written emails sharing what this decision is about and what I need with my close circle of friends. One friend offered to arrange a care and healing schedule, to which I said yes. This took pressure off of me to be managing visitor logistics or being the one to say when visits would be too much. She put this schedule into a grid and posted it to Google Docs where my friends could take a look at it and add themselves to it for caretaking shifts. It has filled in beautifully. Two friends stayed overnight with me in the hospital, others offered round-the-clock visits bearing gifts of coconut water and miso soup. I’ve had visitors caring for me and cooking healthy food every day for the first week I was home until I actually just wanted to be alone to collect myself!

This would not have happened without my leadership. I outlined my needs and wants ahead of time so people knew what I needed. I walked towards this surgery and the removal of unwanted tumors seeing the opportunity to let go of things I don’t need—physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I mentally and spiritually prepared myself and surrounded myself with care and love. I would want that for anyone. Vanity, pride, vulnerability and fear often get in the way of inviting others to come with us on such journeys. I’m not interested in organizing my life this way or in feeling I ever have to do it alone.

As I have gotten older, I’ve realized it is these journeys that are the significant markers and touchstones of our lives. They ARE the journey. Each time a crisis, a health issue, a big change, or shocking, hurtful event happens, we are issued an opportunity for transformation. What a magical place to be witnessed.

And by allowing my friends and chosen family to be with me to take care of food and logistics, to love me and be present with me, I have freed myself up to do not only my physical healing, but also my emotional and spiritual internal work that is such an important part of this process. If I don’t, the tumors could come back. And I’m determined not to allow that to happen.

The people who love me want to be there and be a part of my healing. By offering them the opportunity, I allow them to be closer to me, and to shine a light on any part of themselves that sees a need for “going it alone.” And I didn’t have to.

Like I said, I expected the BEST. And I got it.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, growth in relationship, healing, intimacy, Relationships, uterine fibroids, vulnerability
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Sexuality is About Opening Up

So many of us live in a constant state of lack. We won’t give to ourselves. We think we can’t have all we want. We think we don’t deserve it. Then we complain that we don’t have what we want and we feel deprived. Deprivation is not sexy. And it shuts us down.

Sexuality is about lushness, abundance, beauty, aliveness, fullness, expansion, desire, connection. It’s the opposite of lack and deprivation. It’s about fulfilling our desires and exploring new terrain. It’s about opening up.

But opening up is scary for most people. If we are open, we are vulnerable and our culture gives vulnerability a bad rap. Yet being vulnerable is how we grow and allow ourselves to be given to. It’s very vulnerable to allow another person to give to us. And when they are giving to our naked body and we are wide open and visible, whoah! That’s just too much for many of us! But it’s really beautiful.

We learn to cover ourselves up and not be seen. Yet we crave being seen. Who doesn’t want to be seen for who they are in the world? Most of us truly want that and it touches our hearts when we are seen.

Last week, I finished the spring semester the way I always do with my college students. Before I give them their final we have a group closure. I ask them each to speak on what they’ve learned, what’s been most important for them and what they are walking away with from my class. I also give them an opportunity to acknowledge someone in the room who might have affected them during the semester. Sometimes they acknowledge me, which is sweet, and I also really love to see them acknowledge each other. They sit in class with each other all semester, talking about personal matters and it’s beautiful to hear that you affected someone in the room. I love this ritual.

In part, it’s how I make sure I am given to on the last day. I know I affect my students and many of them make profound changes in their lives due to my class. I want to hear this. I want to know how my work is making a difference, how they are affected, so I make room for this. Many of them also want to give to me. They have things they want to say! One student made a list so he would remember everything he wanted to mention. So it’s a gift to myself and to them. I let them give to me. And giving to others makes us feel good.

They said some beautiful things. One of them called me “brave” in the most sincere way and said that my example has helped him to speak up where before he wouldn’t–to be more courageous in his own life. Wow. That one went right to my heart. It was beautiful. And you know one of the things they really speak to again and again? The way I make myself vulnerable, and “real”, the way I share myself with them. That’s what they want. That’s probably what they remember most…not which two bodily systems control the stress response.

If we don’t make ourselves vulnerable it’s hard to be given to. Sexually or otherwise. If you are guarded, how much love, affection, pleasure or adoration can really get in? How are you guarding yourself in your life and relationships? How are you keeping people away? If you want love and intimacy, this behavior is antithetical to your desire. You have to decide what’s more important. Do you want to really be loved and nourished and devoured, or do you want to be guarded and safe and distant? Sometimes we need the guard, but we often pull it out when we don’t. Let yourself be seen.

I’ll take the gooey. The warm fuzzies. The openness. No topic is too taboo. No sexual desire is unspeakable. I’m here for the exploration. I’m here to open. I work on doing that every day. I encourage you to meet life in this way and to hold your vulnerabilities as gifts and as tools for your own blooming.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, courage, deprivation, opening up, sexuality, vulnerability
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Sexuality is NOT a Luxury

Recently, I was at a conference and at lunch I sat next to a woman who had heard me say that I am a sexuality educator and sex and relationship coach in the morning session. She said, “I think most people think of sexuality as a luxury. Is there really a market for what you do?”

Often when I tell people that I am a sexuality educator they say, “Oh do you work with teens?” The implication, of course, is that teenagers are the only people who need sex ed. But actually, we ALL need it. “No.” I say, “I work primarily with adults and college students.” People seem to be able to understand my teaching college students, probably picturing safer sex demos on bananas and warnings about all the things young people need to avoid around sex. My guess is that people rarely think about conversations about pleasure and fulfillment in sex or working to create highly functional communication that builds relationships when they imagine what I do.

Most people have a pretty limited definition of sexuality, thinking it’s only about sex and sexual orientation or “preference,” as many people call it. Yet it’s so much more. Healthy sexuality is critical to our pursuit of happiness, healthy family structures and building societies based on love, community and creativity instead of destruction, hate, and war. I think that’s pretty fundamentally important for any adult, so yes, adults need sex education, coaches and guidance if they want to create fulfilling lives that reach their highest creative and joyful potential.

Let me say this as clearly as I can: Sexuality is NOT a luxury. It is an intrinsic part of who we are. It is what brings us orgasmic joy for living fully realized lives. It is the energy we use to make art, make community, make business, make love, and create intimacy. It is the way we connect to our environment and to others. It is the energy we use to bring our whole selves forth in the world.

If you still do not see this vision, let’s imagine a world without sexuality. Picture this: People walking around like robots with deadened looks in their eyes, unable to feel pleasure and joy, unable to find ways to connect with each other. There is a lack of love and compassion because we have no connection. There is an inherent separateness and divisiveness in our way of living. No real collaboration. No one is creative. This inevitably leads to mass wars, killing and aggression—passion unchecked by love. We don’t birth nearly as many babies, but the ones we actually have are neglected and left to fend for themselves. Most of them, of course, do not survive this sexuality-less world.

In a word, without our sexuality, we are MISERABLE.

We already have mass wars, killing, disconnection, you say. I say, where these things are most acute, look at the cultural mores about sexuality and pleasure. Is pleasure supported and encouraged? Is sexual expression valued? Are people sexually repressed? Oppressed? How is sexual shame used to control citizens?

Remember when Clinton was in office? As soon as he was publicly shamed about his sexuality with the Monica Lewinsky debacle, he started a war. Literally began dropping bombs. This was not just about diversion, although that was part of it. It was about his need to assert his power, his sexuality. If we aren’t creating love, joy and pleasure with it, we are going to go polar and create abusive situations, violence and war because our passion needs expression.

Sexuality is not a luxury. It’s the critical core of our happiness and well-being. We cannot afford to ignore this well of energy that exists within each one of us. The world needs our juice. Our juju. Our creativity. Our vision.

I continue to envision this world in my work, my writing, and my dreams. I create it in my relationships. I know it’s possible. Our sexuality is that powerful. It is a necessary antidote to all that ails us.

If it’s no where near the top of your list, I encourage you to make your sexuality a priority. You will be a much happier person as you become more aligned with your own beauty and magnificence and the very core of who you are. We have to stay tuned in to that channel all the time. That takes some real presence and energy, but the potential rewards are unlimited.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, intimacy, luxury, Relationships, Sexual Growth, sexuality
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Sex is a Skill

I made my students repeat aloud “Sex is a skill,” as I was beginning the sexuality module in my college courses last week, their collective voices paired with open and uncomfortable grins.

I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that yes, SEX REQUIRES SKILL! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat. That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them!

When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.

Yet we have all these romantic notions that somehow sex is just natural, it “just happens” and, it’s perfect with “the one” you love, right? Gender roles have a particular hold on men in this ready-and-able department—quietly dictating that men should always want sex, be ready for sex and know how to do it. Whoah! Pressure!

Most of us experience fumbly, awkward, unsexy early ventures into the forays of sexual pleasuring with a partner. In a culture like ours, where we place so little emphasis on teaching sex education, we are all left to fumble about and try to figure it out on our own. Sometimes we have a happy accident and something new is learned and pleasures, even orgasms, happen. Cheers for happy accidents! But by and large, if we don’t work on learning the skills of sex, the quality of our sexual lives will reflect that lack of emphasis.

All skills require practice to become good at them and sex is no different. So since most of us had no sex education, or had limited education that focused on prevention of unwanted consequences, we have to roll up our adult sleeves and do the work to learn the language of erotic pleasure. When we take time to develop our sexual skills—everything from sexual techniques, breathing/breathwork, anatomy & sexual functioning, communication, how to create deeper intimacy/relationships, developing awareness of desires, or how to be playful—we reap the rewards with more satisfying sexual lives, bigger orgasms, and deeper sexual connection and intimacy. What sexually active person wouldn’t want that?

So what sexual muscle do you want to work on? This year I decided I wanted to have 10 sexual firsts. I’m well past 7 or 8 already. It’s fun to figure outwhat’s next and to be surprised. I’ve been teaching sexuality for 15 years, but there is always room to grow.

Your Assignment, should you choose to accept? Make a list of the top 5 or 10 sexual skills you’d like to learn or improve. Then look at where and how you could learn those things. What books could you read? What teachers and coaches work on these issues? What lover might explore them with you? What teleclasses, webinairs, or other events could help? What community resources might be useful? Your sex life and sex skills will not magically get better or materialize out of nothing. They will develop out of your consciousness and commitment to grow them.

My education and coaching work are my commitment to helping people grow sexually. I’d be happy to help, or recommend someone else who might be a good fit for you. Feel free to contact me directly about it! But whatever you do, put some energy into your sexual life this spring!

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, growth in relationship, healthy relationships, sex, Sexual Growth, sexual skills, sexuality
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Poly to the People!

Dirty Talk Olympics with Reid Mihalko at Poly Living

I had a fabulous sex positive weekend! Friday night I attended the fundraiser for Sex Work Awareness (SWA). My good friend Reid Mihalko did a little sex ed stand-up on deep throating—demonstrated on bananas by audience volunteers. His was among an array of other performances, including some sexy burlesque, hot gay spoken word, Grey Dancer’s beautiful rope tying, and an inspiring opening talk about the history of the Speak Up Media Training by SWA founder Audacia Ray.

Saturday morning, after digging my car out of the ubiquitous Brooklyn snow, I drove down to Philadelphia with Reid Mihalko for a quick sex educator’s adventure at the Poly Living conference. I presented for the first time on breaking-up, a workshop called, “Relation Transformation: How to Break-Up With Grace,” and I hosted my self-created, and, if I do say so, *fabulously fun* event, “The Dirty Talk Olympics.”

As sometimes happens when teaching something new, something that has not yet grown legs, I decided when people were being pokey after lunch that no one was coming. Who wants to talk about break-ups? Downer at a poly conference, right? Wrong, apparently. About 25 people showed up and we had a heartful talk about how to approach break-ups, including how to change our language around them, how to create rituals and how to use gratitude, blessing and community to our healing advantage. We really only scratched the surface and the participants were more than willing to offer up their do’s and don’ts and stories and musings on what helps us to be graceful in the transitions our relationships will inevitably sustain. I felt filled by the conversation and hopeful that many thinking people want to do relation transformation in positive ways, thoughtfully.

The truth is that we do break-ups the way we do relationships. If we do our relationships dishonestly, we’ll do our break-up without integrity. If we communicate well and include our partner in our difficulties in relationship, we’ll find a way to do that when we break-up. We had a little debate about whether two people ever really break-up together. One man said, “Isn’t there always one person who initiates it?” Sure, often there is, but I think it can be mutually discussed and we can intentionally decide HOW we want to break-up, break-out or cause a break-through. But we have to involve the other and set that intention. Too often, we get out in sneaky, duplicitous ways and we hurt our beloved unnecessarily. I agree that sometimes we are not on the same page, but we can still break-up with a tremendous amount of respect and integrity. Mine lacked that. I am grateful still since it’s been a lesson of a lifetime and is resulting in huge break-throughs for me, but my house of 9 years got burnt to the ground and that was sadly unnecessary. I’m still clearing out the ash.

The Gold and Silver medal winners at the Dirty Talk Olympics, Poly Living Conference

On the more playful tip, “The Dirty Talk Olympics” is an event I concocted to assist people to play and take risks around erotic language in a way that is low-pressure and high fun. It’s really beautiful for me to watch people let go of inhibitions and be open to exploration—I mean that’s what makes for great sexually expansive experiences, right? So with DTO, we all co-create a show that allows us to play and enjoy and I get to be funny and punchy as the Emcee, and the walls come down and people expose things that are often kept buried. There was one couple outside deciding whether to go home or stay as they inched towards their coats. Reid and I got them to come on in and play. One of them ended up with the special award for the night, and the other ended up improv-ing a hot group sex scene in a sandbox, which won the Gold! It was sexy and fun. I do it again in two weeks at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire in Washington DC. Can’t wait to see what will be next. As long as they talk dirty to me, I’ll be happy.

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, break-ups, Dirty Talk Olympics, grace, healthy relationships, Poly Living conference, Reid Mihalko
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Fixing Relationships: “Quickly & Easily”

Facebook, as with other social marketing websites, targets its users for certain kinds of advertisements—this is smart and makes good business sense. I keep seeing this ad come up on my page titled “Make Him Fall for You.” Seeing that this is obviously meant to be a hook, and its tone already annoyed me, I finally decided to look at the site to see what it’s selling.

What I found is a list of unrealistic promises a relationship coach is making in order to manipulate women into being less of who they are and working to fit into some formula woman that any man (read heterosexual man) will want. Under the title “Learn Secrets to Making Him Fall Deeply in Love Forever,” the website claims it will teach women “Specific words and body language that will make him listen and feel more attracted,” and “What a man really wants from a woman.” The entire approach is wildly insulting to both men and women who would like to find appealing mates, dates or companions. This manipulative, quick-fix approach is also tremendously limiting for our own self-growth, since intimate relationships are where we work on our Master’s degree in growth and development. And like higher education, some of us really put in the work, others scrape by, skidding around the real work of intimacy just pretending to make it work, and still others drop out before they have any kind of thesis or have done the work to merit the reward. Not to mention, no one can promise you “forever”, but it’s the romantic myth and we keep falling into deep states of disappointment when we don’t get it.

This approach assumes that all women and all men (again, assumed to be heterosexual) will want the same thing and can be manipulated into dating any person if they just say the right things, use the right body language and pretend to be someone they are not. It also makes it sound like we can just fix what’s broken in relationships like we are switching out car parts. But human beings with sometimes erratic and unexplained feelings and whole lifetimes of experience do not operate that way. There is no quick fix for relationships. As Abdi Assadi claims in his book Shadows on the Path, “quick fixes are for junkies. The addict part of us wants to bypass the work and even thinks its possible to get there without delving, digging and clearing.” That’s why the divorce rate is so high…most people leave long-term relationships before they get to the gold that is buried deep within the hardened lava—we all have erupted and hardened, been hurt and built protection for ourselves. It requires lots of time, energy, a big chisel, and a whole other level of commitment to work through those layers to discover the gold. It is the work of a lifetime.

Maybe I’m way off base. Maybe lots of people actually do want the kind of relationship perpetuated on this website. I tend to assume more of people. I think many people are in unhappy relationships and don’t know why they are so unhappy, and maybe don’t know where to turn to do the work. A promise to learn “How to fix your relationship quickly and easily – no matter what the relationship is like right now” might pinch a nerve for some of them. But really, are we so naïve as to think that any relationship with real issues can be “fixed” quickly and easily?

I think if you are with anyone long enough you will need to go to couples therapy at some point to do the work of figuring out how two woundedpeople can deeply love and effectively support each other and break the patterns they have learned in their upbringing and past relationships. We all have wounds and we repeat these patterns over and over. So if you want it to stop being groundhog day, at some point you’ve got to stop and really look at your stuff and how its co-mingling with your partner’s stuff and find solutions as you do your healing. This is not easy work. But it is tremendously important and gratifying. Where else will you have the comfort of someone who knows you so well and the safety of longevity and commitment to do such deep work on yourself? It’s a missed opportunity if you decide to just leave rather than do the work, and inevitably a new person will show up with a different face and different name, with the same patterns and issues to challenge you yet again to get it. Change is hard and uncomfortable. It requires a lot of us.

So maybe the copy should read:

• Deeply explore your own psyche and your learned behaviors that prevent you from having what you want in relationship
• Deepen your ability to have intimacy by healing your core wounds and learning not to hide who you are
• Discover what YOU really want, how to communicate it, and how to stop settling for less

That might be a good starting point. How many of you would sign up for that? Maybe it wouldn’t sell as well as “make him fall for you” and “draw him to you like a magnet.” In relationships, as with anything, be willing to put in the work and get out of it what you put into it. Because the quick fix will be just that. And then what?

Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, forever, intimacy, quick fix, Relationships, unrealistic expectations
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