Getting Unstuck
Why Invest in Your Sexuality?
Last week on my plane ride home from New Mexico, I sat next to a friendly man who struck up conversation, which quickly led to the question of “So, what do you do?”
When my conversations with people lead to “What do you do?” and I tell them I’m a sex and relationship coach and a sexuality educator, their wheels always turn, immediately looking for some framework in which to put my work. Inevitably, they cannot find one.
When I told him I teach sexuality, he began with questions that went from curious: “Wow, so what does that mean?” to over-eager comments: “I just LOVE sex. I think sex should be part of EVERY day!” to inappropriate: (as he put his hand on my knee) “So do people ever assume things about you because of what you do? You know, come on to you or things like that?”
“Like you are doing right now?” I asked. Then to oblivious: “Oh, does that bother you?” To sincere: “I’m sorry if I offended you.”
My career does sometimes confuse people, so I thought I’d start my 2012 blog by explaining it a bit and talking about what you get when you invest in your sexuality.
I assist people with one of the most important least talked about aspects of their lives. I work to help people change harmful relationship patterns and sexual practices so that they can have more pleasure, better sex, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, live more fulfilled lives. There are not many places where you can do this thoroughly, unless you have an incredible therapist who has a strong background in sexuality, and sadly, they are uncommon—even though sexuality is at the crux of so many of people’s problems, pain, and crises.
Given all this, it’s understandable more people do not choose to work on developing their sexual lives earnestly, since most people do not know where to go for support. We all need support for our sexuality and relationships at some point in our lives. But we also learn the taboos that say “Don’t talk about sex. It’s private.” Or false ideals: “You shouldn’t need help with sex. It should come naturally.” What I know is that when someone like me comes into the midst, like with the guy on the plane, people can’t stop talking about sex because they are so glad to have the space where they actually CAN.
Sex is complex, sometimes confusing and one of the most fulfilling parts of our lives when we are doing well with it. Our relationships, regardless of whether they are sexual, are an essential part of our joy and our everyday lives. That’s why people work with me. They want their intimate lives to be the best they can possibly be and they are searching for tools to help them with it.
My clients experience huge breakthroughs via our work that are life-changing. The only difference between them and you is that they’ve made the commitment to do this work.
When you invest in yourself you get back in untold ways. The times in my life when I’ve made big monetary, time and energy investments in myself and my own growth have felt wonderful. They actually made me HIGH because it feels that good to invest in me. When I work on myself and I grow, the feeling I have is total empowerment. I’ve done a lot of my work so I can give my learning to my clients. I can’t help clients walk through doors that I haven’t opened wide and walked through myself.
So I hope you are choosing to invest in yourself in 2012. If your sexuality is a part of you that needs a serious tune-up, then listen to that need and take action. If you are ready, I want to work with you one-on-one in 2012. I will meet you right where you are right now to help you grow your relationships and sexual self so you live a more fulfilled and powerful life NOW.
What do you say? Do you want that? If so, then why would you wait?
Tags: abundance, Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, personal needs, Sexual Growth
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New Year’s Ritual 2012
1. Create an altar-use some special cloth and place a few special items, photos, art or whatever you want to make the altar special. Anything goes.
2. Each person brings a candle to represent illumination of what needs light at this time in life.
3. Welcome the participants and/or spirits if you believe they are there with you.
4. Each person names one energy they are welcoming into their life as they light their candle. (love, peace of mind, a new relationship/job/project, clarity, financial abundance, etc.) Go around the circle and have each person do this.
5. Take time to meditate on the last year. Some questions to ponder:
- What are you grateful for in 2011?
- What was magical about 2011?
- How did you grow?
- Think about your growth in the following areas: physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, spiritually, sexually, financially, and socially. How do you envision yourself in each area in the coming year?
- What are you ready to let go of and leave in 2011?
- What do you want to invite into your life in 2012?
- What have you learned from this past year or what insights do you have about it?
- What do you want to see in the world in the coming year? How will you work towards that goal?
You can do this in silence or with music and it might help to say the questions out loud if you are with others to guide them, or to write them down where people can see them. If you choose to guide others in meditation be sure to go slowly and give them time to take in and meditate on each question or piece of guidance.
6. Free write your insights. Take time to write these things down once you have meditated on these questions.
7. If in a group, each person can take time to share what they’d like to share. Ask them to include at least one wish bigger than themselves, more of a humanity or worldly wish.
8. Take a moment of silence at the end to consciously let all of what was said have space to settle into your cells and your consciousness. Breathe it into your body and mind.
9. Each person can blow or snuff out their candle, noting one thing they leave in 2011.
10. If you are with yourself, look in the mirror and offer yourself love and grace for your incoming year. If you are with others, take turns looking into each other’s eyes to silently offer wishes of growth, abundance and joy for the year.
11. End with a song, quote, prayer or some other form of closure.
12. Send me your insights, or post comments here. I’d love to hear from you.
Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, inner wisdom, intuition, ritual
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Release Sexual Shame and Blockages: Sexually Empowered Life Step 2
It’s virtually impossible to grow up in a culture like ours, which treats sexuality as taboo, something to be afraid of, or something to avoid, without experiencing sexual shame. At some point in our lives, we all take in messages of shame about our sexuality, our sexual body, our sexual responses and desire, our experiences or lack of experiences, our gender and identity, or other aspects of who we have been or who we are as sexual people.
That shame is tremendously powerful and it isolates you and makes you do anything you can to never feel that way again. It comes from all directions: from your family, friends or peers, church, synagogue or temple, from the media. As you are molded to be a certain kind of sexual being (or even a non-sexual being), if you divert from cultural standards and expectations, you are questioned, and sometimes feel a sense of guilt for what you have done or not done, or shame for who you are.
I was shamed by my mother for touching my genitals when I was 8 years old and that kept me from touching my genitals, masturbating, or otherwise exploring my body until college! For 10 years, I internalized all kinds of messages about my genitals and what it meant to be curious about them. Shame is powerful.
Maybe you got caught masturbating, playing childhood games, exploring your body, or playing make-believe in ways that made the adults around you feel uncomfortable. They may have even come from a good place of wanting to protect you, yet the result was your being humiliated by them, which can turn into a deep sense of shame for who you are.
Sex is so personal that it’s the most painful place a person can be shamed. There is a new term being used, “Slut shaming” where teenaged girls are being shamed for their sexual expression or assumed sexual experiences. This has become more commonplace with the internet being such a convenient way to harass someone. Shame affects everyone, but it especially affects those of us who do not fit the dominant norms of our culture. So gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are easy targets, as are sexually expressed/powerful women and girls.
Many shaming experiences happen so quickly you hardly know what happened, but the result can be years of feeling bad. If a peer who you respect asserts that she doesn’t do such-and-such kind of sex, or that only “sluts” would do that, you become red in the face if you are the “slut” who has done that.
Shame is often tied up in people’s experiences with abuse: a victim of abuse might be humiliated as part of the abuse, and told that they deserve it for some reason. They might walk away holding so much shame for what happened that they never tell anyone, or they do tell and the person they confided in blames them for what happened or questions them in a way that shames them all over again.
The thing about shame is that it exists and becomes bigger in isolation. So the more you keep it to yourself, the more it can overcome you and the more painful it gets. Shame is never good for sexuality. It serves to keep you feeling small, staying in line, acting small or outside of what you would authentically do, feeling undeserving, and it keeps you disconnected from others who can support you and help you escape it.
We all have experiences of shame to work through 
at some point relating to our sexuality. Sometimes it comes later as you age and have shameful feelings about how your body and sexual responses are changing. To live a sexually empowered life, you need to directly work on your internal shame that keeps you from being the fully actualized sexual person you are meant to be.
I am constantly helping my clients look at their shameful places and work on releasing the shame that holds them back. Quietly holding onto shame does not serve your sexual growth-it only serves to limit who you are or believe you can be. The antidote to shame is compassion, according to Brené Brown, so creating situations where we can speak our shame and be received in a place of compassion and empathy is one of the ways to let it go.
And if you are making decisions based on feeling shame, or fear of future shame, that’s a sign it’s time to look at how shame is getting in the way of you living your life and being who you want to be.
Releasing sexual shame and blockages is the second step of my “9 Steps to a Sexually Empowered Life”, a dynamic process I use in my private coaching and in my Women’s Sexually Empowered Life program. For more information about working with me, go here.
Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, opening up, Sexual Growth, sexuality, shame, vulnerability
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My Sexual Life Would Be Good, If Only…
How many times do you put off your own growth, self-development work, fun, pleasure or education because of some made-up reason that really just slows you down and keeps you from having what you want, for no good reason?
With sexuality, many people have a chronic problem with putting it on hold because, well, “I’d work on it if only I had the time,” or “I’d be able to get my needs met, if only I had the right lover,” or “I’d indulge in something I want (a new toy, a weekend workshop, a pamper day) if only I had the money.” Or “I’d have more fun sexually if only I were younger/prettier/didn’t have kids,” etc.
You disempower yourself and you prevent yourself from having what you really want with your “if onlys”. “If only” is a clue you are making an excuse. How often do you find yourself thinking or saying, “I’d do it, if only…”?
I want to suggest that you get that little phrase out of your vocabulary.
You might be thinking, well, I can do that for some things but not for others. I hear people make lots of excuses about why they don’t work on their sexuality and sexual relationships. They call me and claim they want to work on themselves, and then come the litany of reasons why they just can’t. At that point, I suggest they think about it and when they’re ready to make the commitment, contact me again.
I’m most interested in and satisfied by working with people who are committed to living more sexually fulfilled lives. People who want deeper levels of intimacy and more aligned, satisfying relationships. You want to know why I work with these people? Because when you’re committed to something, really committed, you drop the excuses and you do whatever it takes. That’s what makes it a commitment. And that makes what I do far more satisfying, than someone with one foot in and one foot out.
If you find yourself going back and forth in your mind about something and lots of excuses keep coming up, you might be interested and in a place of contemplating it, but you have not yet made a decision to do it and there is no commitment.
Sometimes people even do relationships that way, even the ones they call “committed”.
They have made a false commitment to someone because they are still waffling with excuses and “if onlys” about the relationship. Pay attention if you hear yourself saying things like: “Well, he’s a great guy. The relationship would be awesome if only he were a better lover, or if only he wanted kids…” or “Our sex life is good but not great. I get other things from her, so maybe this just isn’t the thing we will have”, or “We have good sex, but I want more emotional depth. If only he could provide that, I’d be totally fulfilled.”
Many people settle in relationships, and then feel bad for settling. So to compensate for that and convince themselves they made a sound choice, they make excuses for their mate, or for why they are with them.
Does this sound familiar? I’ve certainly done it. So begin to notice where you are making excuses, holding back your own true desires with “if onlys”. What can you begin to let go of and cut out? How much happier would you be if you let it go, and stopped making excuses for why you don’t do or can’t have something?
It’s not bad to want something bigger for your sexuality. You are meant to expand sexually. If you are constricting rather than expanding, look at the reasons why and make a commitment to change them. The way to change your life is to take decisive action, commit and move.
What can you take action on right now in order to create movement in your life? What “if onlys” will you let go of this week?
Tags: Amy Jo Goddard, fulfillment, healthy relationships, personal needs, Relationships
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Take Your Sexual Temperature
Sometimes you get so stuck sexually and you are so used to feeling stuck, you have no way to gauge how or why.
I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.
I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin.
You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?
Your Sexual Temperature Key
| COLD | Totally shut down, not happening, needs life-support now! |
| LUKEWARM | On life-support, barely keeping its pulse but trying to survive. |
| WARM | Things are moving a bit, maybe slowly, maybe not all in the best direction, but there is motion and a will to be in a more healthy place. Throw me a blanket. |
| SEXUAL HOMEOSTASIS | Functioning optimally, this part feels healthy and balanced, in a place of “normalcy”. Right on target. |
| OVERHEATED | Overall, functioning well and with a lot of energy, but energy is a bit out-of-balance. |
|
FEVER
|
Manic functioning or over-indulgence in this area. Need to reconnect to self and rebalance. Way off your center./tr> |
Sometimes sexual fever is fun but that’s not what I’m talking about here!
What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:
- Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
- Your level of pleasure and joy, both emotional and physical
- Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
- Your radiance and excitement-are you glowing daily?
- Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
- Your energy level, overall and sexually
- Your sexual and creative expression
Your Sexual Empowerment Assignment
Take a moment with each area and stick in the thermometer and read it honestly.
If your temperature is below normal in any of these areas, think about 3 things you could do to breathe life back into this part, starting today.
If you are sexually homeostatic, what are 3 things you love and appreciate about the healthy temperature of this part?
And if you are overheated or feverish, what 3 things could you do to recalibrate and rebalance to a place of sexual homeostasis and optimal functioning?
Take your sexual temperature regularly and prevent your sexuality from falling to a place of being ignored, neglected, or into total disrepair.
If you are struggling to take the next steps and know you would benefit from guidance and support, you may want to work with a sex coach or therapist to get to the next level and begin to live your most sexually empowered life.
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