It’s easy to look at a powerhouse woman who makes big business deals, runs huge organizations, or influences the masses and think she’ll be a sexy powerhouse in all things seduction, flirtation, sex and drip. But that equation rarely adds up so cleanly.
It would be nice if we could take our natural born talent and the confidence it gives us in one area of life and apply it to all the others. The thing you are really good at, that comes naturally, that you don’t have to think about—whether it’s singing, writing, cooking, articulating ideas, or making people feel good—gives you a window into what true confidence could be.
Imagine! The ease with which you sing a song is the ease with which you go down on your lover. The fun of writing translated to the fun of sex, stress-free. Sex lives across the globe would be so different. It’s so common for people who are confident in the world to clam up or get sheepish about sex…they rarely admit this so the research might be thin. I’ve worked with enough people honestly around their hang-ups that it’s clear to me this is an issue for a lot of seemingly confident folks.
The scenarios vary of course, and hinge on so many things. What is more likely is that you have one “brand” of confidence in your work or that “thing” you are good at, and another brand shows up in sex.
Maybe you are a Power Player at work, but you are an Enigma in sex. Maybe you are a Warm Connector in the sheets but a Sassy Skeptic in your creative life. We all have a complex confidence equation, but when we get a true glimpse of what it is and why it is, it becomes easier to transfer the confidence skills we’ve got in certain areas to others parts of our life where we need it most.
Your kernels of insecurity feed into the deep fear that keeps you stuck, unable to enjoy sex, unable to show up authentically in your desire, unable to love your body and be IN it. And if you want to have a fulfilling sexual life, you’ve got to interrupt this pattern that allows insecurity to eat away at your own pleasure. It really does start with acknowledging it to yourself. I can’t tell you how often people reassure me of their sexual confidence when this topic comes up—maybe afraid I’ll see through them, or so insecure they need to announce their confidence. It’s a great irony.
Not to say some of them are not confident in their sexuality. I’d love nothing more than to live in a world full of sexually confident people, because you know what that would mean? It would mean you wouldn’t keep yourself small and settling for less than what you want, which would mean more self-determination, grace and happiness in the world. It would mean far less sexual violence because if people had true sexual confidence, they wouldn’t need to try to “take” someone else’s body or sex and they wouldn’t be vulnerable as prey for sexual predators in this way. Sexual confidence would make the world a better place.
But we just don’t transfer skills like this. We have to learn in new contexts, or apply things differently than we might be used to doing. And so it is with confidence. It’s a skill set that is learned and developed. And it looks different ways. I’m really curious to hear how it looks for you and to look at what it might mean for your life if you could parse it out a bit. I love teaching about confidence, which means I get to keep learning about it.
Here is a quick quiz that tells you your confidence types…then come on the phone with me to find out what it all means…especially if you find you are a blend. This call is for everyone!