The 5 Reasons You’re Not Having The Best Sex Of Your Life

This article was originally published on


I have been teaching people about sexuality for two decades. Consistently, when I ask people what they think they need in order to feel sexually empowered, without reservation, the number one answer I get is “I want more confidence.” Insecurity isn’t sexy.

Helping people build confidence is a huge part of my work. Confidence (sexual and otherwise) is a huge result of the work we do.

So, why do most people seem to lack sexual confidence? Why is this crucial element of sexual currency hard to develop and hang on to? Here are the key reasons — and my time-tested strategies for breaking through them to true, lasting self-confidence — inside and outside of the bedroom.

1. People lack sexual information.

Sexual ignorance contributes greatly to people’s lack of self-assurance. How do you build confidence in anything? In large part, by getting good at it. That happens through practice. When you develop skills to do something well, your confidence grows. So, you’ve got to find some version of adult sex education that’s right for you, and work on the skills you want.

Maybe you need to learn more about touch, flirtation, communication, or asking for what you want. Maybe you need to learn more about your body and how to have mind-blowing orgasms. Whatever it is you need to learn, it’s a process almost completely controlled by you. That’s great news.

2. There is no way to compare your sexual skills.

As much as I discourage people from comparing themselves to others, we are naturally inclined to make comparisons as a means of learning about ourselves. It’s not until you go to someone else’s house that you realize that yelling all the time isn’t necessarily normal. It’s not until your professor tells you the class grade breakdown that you realize you did really great, or could do better. It’s not until you see that drawing or singing doesn’t come naturally to everyone else that you realize you have a gift.

With sex, there is no reality-based comparison for how you have sex. READ MORE>>


Photo Credit: Peter Grifoni / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Sexual Embodiment VS Technology

“By the time I put the kids to bed and finish everything I’ve been working on, the last thing I want to do is be sexual with my husband,” she said, as the women around her nodded in sympathetic assent. “To me, sex is the last chore of the … [Continue reading]

The Secret to Talking Openly About Sex


My path as an educator included earning a Masters in Human Sexuality Education, but you don’t have to go get a graduate degree in human sexuality to learn how to really talk openly about sex. Anyone who cares about having a fulfilling, meaningful … [Continue reading]

Expanding Your Erotic Possibilities with Ecosexuality

Screen Shot 2015-07-23 at 6.49.47 PM

[Continue reading]

How to Plan the Perfect Sexcation

beach sexy

It’s summer and everyone is scattering on their adventures. Sometimes you don’t merely need a vacation where you can have fun and relax, you need a sexcation where you take time out of your busy schedule to not only relax and unplug, but to … [Continue reading]

Heteronormativity is NOT the same as Heterosexuality

Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Gay Marriage

 Well, here we are in the age of marriage equality. Right? Or are there more things to consider? While I am happy for the people who want to get married and couldn’t before June 27, 2015, I think we must keep asking ourselves what equality … [Continue reading]

Excerpt from Woman On Fire: Pilar’s Journey to Her Sexual Voice


I am about to release my second book, Woman On Fire: Nine Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence. This week I want to share with you one of the women’s stories from the book. Their stories are incredible! … [Continue reading]

The Trans* Movement: An Opportunity for All of Us To “Transition”


We are in such an important moment in time around gender. In the twenty years I’ve been in the sexuality field, the literature around gender, and in particular, transgender issues has erupted into a field of serious study and we have learned so … [Continue reading]

My Journey to Orgasm & What It Got Me


In my TEDx talk “Own Your Sexual Power” I talked about how I was shamed by my mother for touching my genitals (and enjoying their smell) when I was eight or nine years old. What I didn’t share in my talk was that I literally stopped touching … [Continue reading]

“Cheating” is Not a Black and White Affair

woman with her head down

When a person experiences the infidelity of a partner in a relationship, it can really rock their world. Finding out your lover transgressed the commitments they made to you and to your relationship can feel like a big betrayal. Women often go into a … [Continue reading]