The 6 Most Common Reasons Women Ask for Sexual Support

My team has been analyzing some of the data I’ve been collecting over the years for why women approach me. We’ve narrowed it down to six key issues that people want help with when they contact me and what they focus on when they come into my sexual empowerment programs. I thought I’d share some of our preliminary findings with you because these six things are the focus of so many conversations I have and they are the concerns that are taking up space in so many women’s minds when it comes to sexuality.

1.     Seeking help with confidence and low self-esteem/self doubt

Women are plagued with issues of low confidence and self-esteem deficits. On a nearly daily basis at least one woman tells me she wants to develop more confidence and that it would change her life in so many ways if she had it. You’ve heard me say it: Confidence is 80% of everything, and clearly, women know this because they want it. Bad. Reaching out to me is a confident move, so I see that as a first powerful step in achieving the self-esteem boost they need. Asking for help and getting it can be an enormous confidence booster.

2.     Self-exploration/personal “journey”

The women in my world see the importance of their journey with their sexuality and their process of self-exploration. That makes them delightful. So many people in the world never really couch their relationship to their sexuality in this way, or undervalue the idea of a conscious journey with/towards sexual empowerment. We all have things to explore, we just don’t always know where or how. I absolutely love midwifing people in their journeys and exploration. This is the core of what it’s all about.

3.     Coping with past abuse/trauma (sexual, emotional, physical, etc.)

The ubiquity of sexual abuse and trauma is staggering. We do not even know what the real numbers are because the numbers lie—there will always be people who will not report sexual abuse and assault and many traumas are incalculable. Abuse and trauma are more obvious reasons why a woman would want to work on her sexual empowerment because the need is clear—however many people are still too raw and not yet in a place to do their empowerment work if they’ve never worked on it in therapy or with healers. (Next week I’m teaching a class on how sexual trauma impacts sexuality and I’ll talk more about this).

4.     Coping with sexual shame and/or guilt related to sexuality

There are untold reasons to feel guilty or shameful about sexuality because we live in a sex-negative culture that tells us sex is bad, desire is wrong, our bodies are inadequate, and our sex lives are not “normal”. We get shamed from every angle if we let it affect us. We can feel guilty until the end of time for all the sexual things we should or should not be doing. The river runs deep and it’s got to be released so we can truly be free. We can choose to release our shame and guilt and sometimes we just need to be heard and witnessed in it.

5.     Learning sexual communication skills

Thankfully, many people are aware they need to work on their sexual communication skills—although they probably figured it out because something wasn’t working in their relationship(s). However they come to the realization they need help, when they do they will have an opportunity to really change their lives. Learning and practicing solid communication skills is a cornerstone of my work because this skill set helps people transform their lives as much as just about anything. How do I talk about sexual issues when they come up? How do I express my desire? How do I negotiate sexually? How do I set boundaries? How do I avoid hurting my partner’s feelings without forsaking myself? Might sound simple but most of us know it’s not.

6.     Help with unsatisfactory sexual response (lack of sex drive, trouble achieving orgasm, etc.)

Many people want help with their sexual response—usually for women, they want to uncover their desire—they don’t know where it went. Men usually want help with erectile difficulties. Many women still have not had an orgasm—or they aren’t sure if they have. They want to know what they’re missing, what the hype is about. Spontaneous desire is not typical for women, they have to spark their fire with something. If they don’t spark it, they might wait a mighty long time to feel something. Learning how to spark that flame is a worthy pursuit. Don’t we all want to experience more pleasure and joy in our lives? Who wouldn’t? Only people who don’t think it’s possible for them. I talk to people who are often skeptical, but they want to believe and are holding out for the possibility.

It is possible. All of it, for all of us. The question is whether you will do what it takes to get there.

There is one thing all of these things do have in common. None of them spontaneously manifest without some intervention. You are the engine propelling the vehicle. You’ve got to put in some gas, get in the driver’s seat, ignite the engine, and steer the car to make it go somewhere. There are some beautiful lands up that road. And lots of sexy cars on it. You are not alone. Ready to go for a ride?

 

Photo Credit:
unclefuz / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC 2.0)
Peter Ras / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Flirting is Sacred

I love to flirt. Flirting is play. Play is an essential part of our sacred dharma. Flirting is sacred play. Sometimes a flirt comes out a bit unintentionally, like the other night when I said to a friend after making a goof, “You can give me … [Continue reading]

Me and Dan Savage Disagree about Desire

I listen to Dan Savage’s Savage LoveCast and I frequently agree with him, often with loud cheers, and big “Yes, Dan, tell them!” type enthusiasm. I listened to the show he did a couple weeks ago where he addressed a 38-year-old virgin, desire, … [Continue reading]

The Value of Coming Home to Yourself

[Continue reading]

The Sovereign in the Creative & Sexual Journey

The ocean always feels like coming home, like my pen to the page. The setting for the act of writing matters inside and outside of the words. There is an art to finding the right place to create, what land, what ancestors, and what stories that live … [Continue reading]

Sexual Fantasies: What they mean and what to do about them?

The incredible questions that poured in last week for my call on female desire have got me thinking about the topic of fantasies: what they are, what they're meant for and what to do with them. I'm happy to say that I think we've come a long way … [Continue reading]

A Forgotten and Critical Feminist Herstory at UCSB

I felt like I went back in time this week. I was a student at the University of California at Santa Barbara during the post-Reagan, George H. W. Bush era in the late 80s and early 90s. Nearly 25 years later, UCSB is still fraught with the issues of … [Continue reading]

The Two Fundamental Differences In the Experiences of Queer People

(that heterosexuals might never think about) There are two fundamental things that are so different about queer people that heterosexuals take for granted and might never consider in their lives—unless they want to, or are forced to by their own … [Continue reading]

I Was Terrified the First Time I Went to a Lesbian Bar

I can still vividly remember the first time I went to a lesbian bar in New York City. Okay, I’d been to one in Dallas once before—but with a big group of friends so it wasn’t as big a deal. This was the big gay city. After I’d landed in … [Continue reading]

Will You Forsake Your Sexuality for Security?

I speak to women all the time who are facing a major dilemma about how they’ve set up their lives: they have chosen a relationship that makes them feel safe, cared for, stable, and is a good place to raise their children. They have the consistency … [Continue reading]